Hello stepparents! As I reflect on the past year and consider my goals, I can’t help noticing how much I rely on tech day-to-day. It’s obvious that we live in a digital world that seems to be getting more digital and automated by the second.
Don’t get me wrong, I love all the advancements and feel so grateful to live in this moment in time with unlimited access to information at my fingertips. But I find myself burning out faster and more often. Nothing compares to the feeling of just being near a loved one, even if we’re not saying a word.
Lots of us are considering what is missing or could be better this year by creating new habits and goals. Today, I’m doing a deep dive into our habits around technology, and how screen time might be the hidden pattern preventing genuine blended family connection.
How Is Technology Impacting Your Blended Family?
We’ve all heard about Zoom and screen fatigue, and most likely, you have experienced it—especially during the pandemic. I have to admit, it feels downright strange to see how pervasive technology has become in our day-to-day landscape.
I remember a time, not too long ago, when not only was your cellphone not smart, but just having one was a novelty! Today, it sometimes feels less common to see people not on a device. Many children who’ve never known a world without smart technology feel uncomfortable managing in-person conversations and prefer texting or messaging via social media apps.
However, while celebrating your friends’ wins online, you are sometimes fated to fall into the comparison trap, which leaves you feeling empty and low. Not to mention the nagging temptation—and, dare I say, addiction—to the distraction and avoidance technology provides.
Honestly, I’m guilty of it too. In spite of knowing full well the benefits of limiting technology use and the drawbacks of not doing so, I find myself spending more time than I’d like on it throughout my day.
I see families out to dinner where each person is on their own device, not even looking at each other, let alone talking. This breaks my heart. But more importantly, it makes it so much harder to establish a connection, never mind build the trust required for lasting, meaningful bonds.
Why Is It So Hard For Stepparents to Disconnect?
The reason limiting access to tech is hard is that it’s become too easy to use it, and too costly not to. Technology is too accessible and necessary to do without.
It’s necessary for work to reach prospects and have meetings. There are indispensable tools and programs that take a fraction of the time to do work that used to take hours, if not days. Not to mention, it is required to be available for your stepchild, to stay in communication with your co-parents about scheduling updates or hand-offs, and to manage the many tasks and musts of day-to-day demands.
Through accepting the necessity of technology, you’ve become desensitized to it.
As a human, you crave and need consistent mental breaks. And again, it’s too easy and tempting to take them in the form of checking an email, reading a post, browsing a store’s website, or playing a game. Of course, you convince yourself, “It will be quick. Just a few minutes.” And the next thing you know, you’re caught in the tech time-suck wormhole.
Has this ever happened to you? I know it’s happened to me a few times!
How To Communicate With Your Stepchild About Screen Time
If you find yourself talking to your stepchild about their extensive usage of technology, remember: depending on their age, they basically don’t know life without the prevalence of smart devices.
As I shared in Episode 17, when your stepchild gets even a hint of feeling judged, attacked, scolded, shamed, or guilted, they go into a fear state. They shut down and become unreachable.
5 Ways to Curb Tech Usage and Build Blended Family Connections
Doing difficult things on your own can be hard and jeopardizes follow-through. Implementing changes—even on a trial basis—as a family will yield much better results. This provides accountability and gives you a shared experience, which will strengthen the relationships among you.
Families that grow together, bond together. Here are 5 approaches to try with your blended family to curb technology usage:
1. Explore the “Why”
Ask yourselves and your stepkids the following questions:
- How do you feel when you’re reaching for technology?
- What do you notice when you’re on it?
- How are you interacting with it?
- What comes up in terms of thoughts and feelings afterwards?
Note: It may take some time to be able to identify some of these answers. That’s fine! Just stick with it, and it will become easier.
2. Track Your Usage
Track your usage for a week. Write down what activities you were using technology for and how long those activities took. Try to be as accurate as you can, writing the start times and end times, and creating a summary by category for each day. At the end of the day, review your data. Reflect on how you feel about it and whether you spent your time the way you actually wanted to.
3. Implement Family Downtime
Discuss having downtime from technology during a family meeting. Discuss what that would look like:
- How long would it be?
- What time would it start and end? (You could start with a smaller increment, like 1 hour, and increase it over time up to 3 hours).
- What will you do during that time? (Ideally, this happens in the evening around dinner time. Coupling it with another activity before bed is a nice transition and is likely to improve your sleep).
The key is to be consistent. Take time to reflect on what you noticed after the break from technology. Write your thoughts in a journal, and take a few moments to discuss as a family what surprised you, what you didn’t like, and what you did like.
4. Do a Challenge
Limit your phone use for a weekend, or better yet, a whole week! Take time to jot down your thoughts in a journal throughout your experience. Reflect at the end on what happened, what you noticed, and how you felt.
5. Do Alternative Activities
Plan activities that are simply not conducive to using a phone. Go zip-lining, ice skating, or roller skating. Play a sport as a family or go swimming. Having fun will help you bond together, create good memories, and keep both your body and mind off the tech!
Please drop me a line at maria@nullsynergisticstepparenting.com and share your stories about your favorite ways to bond and spend time with your family! I’d love to hear about it and share it with the audience of this show.
Until next time, be well!
Related Episodes:
- How to Get Out of the Stepparenting Autopilot Grind
- #1 Obstacle to Achieving Your Stepparenting Goal
- What’s Getting in the Way of Showing Up in Your Stepparenting
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