Hello stepparents! For the last two weeks, I’ve discussed the loyalty conflict that occurs for a stepchild between you (their stepparent) and their other bio-parent, your partner’s ex in episode 15 and episode 16.
This week, we’re delving deeper into the root cause of what actually affects your stepchild’s behavior, and the common pitfalls we fall into as caregivers.
Pitfall #1: Making Assumptions About Their Behavior
It’s easy for you as the stepparent—and me as well—to fall into a disruptive stepparenting communication pattern where you presume you know what you’re seeing from somebody and quickly categorize their behavior.
This happens especially if you perceive their behavior to be negative toward you in some way, whether it’s disrespectful or straight-up upsetting. It’s easy to assume: “Oh, yeah, I know what this is. You always do that. He always does that. This is so typical.”
I’m inviting you to approach it a different way. Rather than jumping to the conclusion that this is familiar territory and that you are seeing something you’ve seen before, get present and get curious.
You will probably have a very different experience than expected. If you observe what’s going on around you and inside of you while staying present with what is, you will notice the nuances. Things might be different than you initially perceived. Most importantly, when you take the time to slow down within yourself and don’t respond right away, it creates an opportunity for you to respond differently.
The way you respond is a massive contributing factor to whether or not this behavior will continue, or if something new will emerge. You probably don’t realize how much power you have just with how you respond!
Pitfall #2: Reacting When They Have “Flipped Their Lid”
Before, you might have blown up, chastised, lashed out in anger or frustration, punished, grounded, stormed off, or yelled at your stepchild. None of which works.
Here’s the science behind why blowing up doesn’t work:
What happens, especially for kids, is a concept known as “Flipping Your Lid,” beautifully discussed in a short video by Dr. Daniel Siegel where he explains the hand model of the brain and how emotions affect our body.
In our brain, we have the amygdala (located in our limbic system), which controls the fight, flight, or freeze response to ensure survival. We also have the advanced part of the brain called the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for logical thinking, planning, cause and effect, and self-control.
The interesting thing is that these two parts of the brain are never online at the same time.
This means that if the fear-based response is activated, logical thinking goes away. When that lid is flipped, it’s impossible to reach your stepchild. You might be spewing pearls of wisdom, logic, and reasoning, and your stepchild is simply not listening because they are in fight-or-flight mode. Their only focus at that moment is survival.
Until we calm them (and therefore calm that fight-or-flight response), they cannot process logic. Only once they start to feel safe will they be reachable. That is when you can have a conversation to understand what happened and what might be useful to do differently next time.
Pitfall #3: Falling into Autopilot Reactions
Given this science, it’s understandable that the angry responses you typically regret don’t feel good. As humans, we are wired for connection. What we want most is to respond with love. It’s grating when there is negativity, even if you feel completely justified in your response. We’ve all been there; it’s human nature.
What you’re truly desiring is peace, joy, calm, and positive blended family dynamics. I can’t stress enough that achieving this starts with you. It starts with modeling—showing kids the response, interaction, or behavior that you want to see them display. Gone are the days of “do what I say and not what I do.”
The brain loves going on autopilot and cutting corners wherever possible. If there’s a specific pattern or loop occurring in your relationships, the brain will respond on autopilot and recreate the pattern because it reads predictability as “safe.”
For example, say your stepchild does something that upsets you, and you respond in your typical way with yelling, “Go to your room!” or “I’m taking away your phone!” You stick to this because it’s a familiar pattern. But if you’re not completely present, you might not recognize that there is a more effective way to respond.
The Solution: Try an Unexpected Response
When you have an unexpected response, it jolts their brain out of that autopilot way of existing. It disrupts the pattern, forcing their brain to be present, process what’s going on, and decide how to respond to this new situation.
It’s so tempting to start yelling and rationalize losing it. But if you throw them off with a response they’re not expecting, you’ll feel better. By responding unexpectedly, you will:
- Be more present
- Stand firmer in your power
- Feel less thrown off
- Be less drained after the interaction
- Most likely see things blow over quicker for your stepchild, too
Here is how you can change your response today:
- A lack of response: Ignore it or brush it off.
- An unexpected response: Do the opposite of what you normally would do (as long as it’s not aversive).
- A kind response: Say something nice or pay them a compliment, and leave it at that.
- Walk away: Simply remove yourself from the room.
These responses feel unnatural at first. They require some extra awareness to assess things moment by moment. But staying present and breaking the cycle will serve you and your blended family in the long run.
Until next time, be well!
Related Episodes:
- Best Stepchild Communication Technique
- 7 Key Components Of A Stepparenting Sanity Routine
- What Is Rapid Resolution Therapy?
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