Hello Stepparents! Recently, I’ve spent several episodes discussing your stepchild’s loyalty conflict, their behavior, and even the wiring of their brain to explain why some approaches work better than others in interactions with your stepchild.
To that end, today I’d like to focus on my absolute favorite stepchild communication technique. I believe it is one of the most important and effective tools you can have in your stepparenting toolkit.
To be honest, this technique works well across the spectrum of relationships—be it with your spouse, an in-law, a friend, or a co-worker. But it works incredibly well with kids. Your stepchild needs you to have effective, grounded tools when interacting with them during challenging times and on bad days.
A Powerful Technique That Helps Your Stepchild Self-Regulate
The technique I’m referring to is called reflective listening.
In reflective listening, the objective is to focus your attention entirely on the child and what they are feeling or experiencing. You then reflect back to them what you see and hear, while providing them the space to fully process their emotions physically and emotionally.
Let’s say your teenage stepchild gets home from school, slams the door on their way in, chucks their backpack, and flings themselves onto the couch looking miserable.
Maybe at this point, you are tempted to lose it because they know the rules about slamming doors and putting their things away. But this is the exact moment it is critical to tune into what they are communicating—albeit non-verbally—and respond to that instead.
It’s clear that something is wrong. The tension is palpable; so thick you can almost cut it with a knife. Get to a place of being curious. Gently come closer and ask, “What happened?” or “Are you okay?” This is a kinder, more considerate response.
Rather than saying, “Pick up your bag,” or “You know better than to slam the door, this isn’t a barn,” which is only going to upset them more and turn you into the enemy.
Even if they explode back, mutter “I’m fine,” or just ignore you… wait for a moment while staying calm. If you don’t get another response, the best thing you can do is say, “I’m going to give you some time. Let me know if you want to talk or if I can help in any way,” and walk away to give them space.
The 4 Steps of Reflective Listening
If your stepchild is little, you want to be in the same room with them and keep an eye on them (because little kids don’t always know how to stay safe when they are overwhelmed).
When big emotions strike, do the following:
- Use the least number of words necessary. Refrain from saying anything extra. But if they are trying to engage with you or seem like they’re trying to get your attention, simply say, “I see that you’re ____,” and fill in the blank by naming the emotion (e.g., angry, sad, frustrated).
- Give them time, space, and distance. As long as they are being safe and aren’t doing anything where they can hurt themselves, let them be. If they’re punching pillows or throwing their drawings, that’s fine. (Watch for breakable things or objects they could get hurt by, and try to remove them ahead of time).
- Redirect them if possible. In the case of a small child having a tantrum, if you have a piece of paper and something to draw with handy, give it to them and ask them to show you how angry they are. You’ll notice that this might start out as stabbing the paper, but as they calm down, it will most likely turn into drawing.
- Have patience. These situations are going to take time, but your stepchild will eventually work through the emotion and shift gears. There will be lots of these situations before your stepchild learns how to process these big emotions. Each time they come up is an opportunity. Kids learn through making mistakes and struggling a little to figure things out.
Note: It’s best not to put your stepchild in a room alone so that they don’t feel like they’re being punished. If you are in a living room full of breakables and want to move them to their room, stay with them. Sit in the corner of the room or just outside the door in the hallway. That way, they won’t feel like you’re abandoning them.
The Benefits of Reflective Listening
Kids largely regulate themselves based on the emotions of the adults around them. They’re always looking to those adults for clues on how to behave. Having you—their stepparent—bear witness to their experience and calmly make space for them to express those feelings makes them feel safe to figure out effective ways to cope.
Kids are perceptive and highly sensitive to the energy of others. They unconsciously sense your energy as their caregiver, and your energy has a huge impact on their inner world (and consequently, their behavior).
When kids are little, they aren’t as adept at self-regulating as adults are because they lack a frame of reference and life experience. During an intense emotion, their inner world feels chaotic. So, they try to recreate that intensity in their outside world, too.
If you have an intense, negative response back (“Don’t do that!” or “Stop it!”), it essentially creates a hit for the brain, strengthening that negative neural pathway.
Remain calm and deflate your response to that situation. Instead, save your strong, intense responses for a positive situation when the child is doing something good. By doing this, you are setting your stepchild up for success. You are using neuroscience principles to shape your stepchild’s behavior and giving them space to manage difficult times—a life lesson that will serve them time and time again.
You Don’t Have to Do It Alone
Doing this work is simple, but it is not easy. As a stepparent, there are often additional considerations and blended family dynamics adding to the challenges.
You don’t have to go through this alone. In my VIP Stepparenting Breakthrough Program, I hold your hand every step of the way and guide you to a life of more ease, peace, and joy.
Curious about working together? Head on over to synergisticstepparenting.com to learn more about the program and schedule a discovery call. I’d love to see how I can help you on your stepparenting journey and assess if we’re a good fit.
Until next time, be well!
Related Episodes:
- How To Have Difficult Stepparenting Conversations
- Get Out Of The Stepparenting Autopilot Grind
- Your Stepchild’s Loyalty Conflict – Part 1: Background
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