Hey Stepparents! As most of you have probably experienced, being a stepparent is distinctly different from being a biological parent. In today’s episode, I’ll be exploring some of those fundamental differences and why navigating a new blended family can feel so jarring.
The Differences Between a Stepparent and a Biological Parent
You probably remember the beginning of your stepparenting journey. For many of us, it’s an abrupt transition with absolutely no time to prepare.
It felt a bit like plunging into a lake where the temperature was a lot colder than you were expecting. Maybe you didn’t see the rocks beneath the surface, and you certainly didn’t know that the lake was full of snapping turtles and piranhas!
At least, this is how it was for me. Maybe some of you can relate. My relationship with my partner was pretty new, so we were still getting to know each other. We were finding our groove and not yet on solid ground. On top of all that, there was this other little person thrown into the mix with her own personality, needs, and wants. It was a massive adjustment.
A blended family doesn’t have the typical rhythm that a biological family does. In a bio family, the couple meets and starts to build a life together first, then later brings a child into the picture. Additionally, stepparents don’t have the benefit of time during the pregnancy phase—that 9-month window where you know a human addition is coming and you have time to adjust yourself, your home, and your life.
Why Blended Family Dynamics Feel Like a Culture Clash
My partner and I discovered early on that we had similar values. In spite of that, there were massive differences in how we did things.
The dynamics were reminiscent of my early days as a Russian immigrant coming to America. I didn’t fully understand the culture, and I was unsure of my readings of situations and how to respond.
As a stepparent, you are often the only one in this situation within the family. You are certainly the only one in your household in this position, since your partner already has a long-standing connection with the child, not to mention the rest of the extended family.
Everything back then felt like a new adventure. It was fun, but it took a lot of energy at times. I felt cared for and supported, but I also experienced lots of moments of real isolation. Feelings of strong belonging were few and far between in those days.
It was hard.
The Challenges of Belonging in a Blended Family
It makes sense that connecting wouldn’t be easy, because it takes time to learn who people are and what their “tells” are.
Let’s face it: as human beings, we all have generally the same emotions. But what triggers those emotions varies for each of us, and how we express them looks completely different. Someone might laugh when they are upset; someone else cries; a third person carefully hides any trace of emotion; and a fourth person suddenly gets quiet. We each respond in our own unique way. It’s only natural that the code to correctly interpret these nuances won’t be cracked from just spending a few hours together.
It’s natural to be protective of your feelings in vulnerable states, and it is common to be uncomfortable being transparent with someone you don’t know well.
In a blended family system, this shows up in several ways:
- The Kids: Children often have mixed emotions because you are here, and their other parent is not. There is an inherent stepchild loyalty conflict because their loyalties are split between the two of you, and they might even be feeling guilty about liking you.
- The Partner: Your partner feels pressured because of the high stakes. They are probably constantly weighing the pros and cons, worrying about how their child is adjusting to the new arrangement.
- You (The Stepparent): As a stepparent, it’s easy to accidentally put your foot in your mouth with something you say or do. You simply don’t have the frame of reference of past memories and traditions to help you navigate the day-to-day.
It’s no wonder that stepparents pay the price of admission by being put to the test—often multiple times.
5 Ways to Foster Connection with Your Blended Clan
I had to remind myself that, just like when I was new to America, it was going to take me time to build a middle ground with my new family members. By that, I mean building up a string of shared experiences with each other.
The answer was to let go of outcomes. I did so by committing to five things:
- Do my best.
- Have patience with myself and my new, lovable clan.
- Show myself plenty of grace.
- Make sure to lean on my support system.
- Practice self-care regularly and often.
I invite you to give this a try and see for yourself the impact it’s going to have on you and your blended family. Through showing up, staying grounded, and being responsive to the needs that arise during these interactions, you are earning your place in your family.
The rewards are well worth it!
- Related Episodes:
- The Surprising Thing That Will Make You A Great Stepparent
- The #1 Cause Of Disconnect In Your Stepparenting
- How To Stay Sane In Stepparenting
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