Hello stepparents! Welcome back to another episode of the Synergistic Stepparenting podcast. I’m your host, Maria Natapov, Stepparenting Coach and Strategist.
A few weeks ago, I shared on social media that the Synergistic Stepparenting podcast celebrated its half-birthday! In celebration of this milestone, this week we’re sharing our most downloaded episode.
For our new listeners who haven’t gotten the chance to catch up on some of the earlier episodes yet, we wanted to make sure that you don’t miss out on this absolute gem. And if you’ve been with us for a while, we wanted to make sure to highlight this value-packed episode by giving you a chance to relisten. Because who couldn’t use a reminder on how to ask for what we need and how to do it?
I am sincerely grateful to you for listening and spending your precious time with us. I’m so touched by this gesture that I would like to give you something in return! I invite you to get your FREE guide called 4 Steps to Start Transforming Family Chaos into Harmonious Co-Parenting, which includes several powerful tools to get you immediate results.
I also invite you to hit “like” and “subscribe” to this podcast on your favorite streaming app so you don’t miss a thing. And it would be amazing if you left us a review sharing some of your favorite aspects of the podcast so that other stepparents who could benefit from this advice can find us and join you on this journey.
Now, without further ado, I present to you our MVP episode: How To Have Difficult Stepparenting Conversations. Enjoy!
You Are a Stepparenting Superhero
Hello, beautiful stepparents! I want to lay a stake in the ground and tell you: you are amazing! The way you show up for your partner and your stepchild is nothing short of incredible.
The way you worry, think about them, plan all the things, and make sure all the important stuff happens and is taken care of is absolutely awesome. Simply put—you are a superhero.
But sometimes even superheroes need to call for reinforcements and get a little help. Today, we’re taking a deep dive into how to have difficult conversations with our beloved blended family members.
You might not know how remarkable you are. Your blended housemates might forget to tell you… or they might not even realize it because you are so good at making it all happen smoothly behind the scenes. You make it look effortless. But all the things you do are not going unnoticed. They matter! And they make a massive impact on your partner’s and stepchild’s lives.
Feeling Unappreciated by Your Blended Family
Recently, I’ve been hearing from a lot of you that it’s hard to do the daily grind. You are feeling like you are entirely alone in disciplining your stepkid, and you don’t feel that your partner has your back.
You feel like an unappreciated stepparent. You hate to nag your stepchild all the time, but you feel like without it, they don’t do anything they are supposed to.
It breaks my heart because so many of you tell me that you need to busy yourself with hobbies, outings with friends, and even take on MORE WORK just to get out of the house and escape the feelings of disappointment and blended family conflict.
Well, you don’t have to feel trapped in your own home! There is another way. Being part of a blended family is about compromise, not about imprisonment. You work so hard to consider and try to meet everyone else’s needs; it’s critical that you value your own needs, too.
What to Do About Stepparent Burnout
It can be easy to slip into the pattern of thinking that if you just do more for them, they will realize it and will want to return the favor. But the truth is, their brains might literally not work that way. Planning things might simply not be their strong suit.
Their brains might be wired in such a way that they have no idea how to juggle everything by planning ahead. They might not realize all the hard work and millions of little steps involved in what you do. So, it wouldn’t occur to them how much you’re doing and what a heavy lift it is. Because you make it look so easy, they might not even know that you need help!
Unless… you let them know.
Unless you specifically ask for the help you need, or a shoulder to lean on. Unless you share exactly how much is on your plate.
Why Stepparents Need To Ask For Help
Asking for help is not something that we are used to doing. Society tells us that asking for help is a sign of weakness. When it comes to parenting, if we need help, we are made to feel like there is something wrong with us.
We are expected to inherently just know how to do everything, have endless supplies of patience and energy, and have the perfect words to say in every situation involving our family members.
I want you to know that it’s simply not true. That mental tape playing with all those “SHOULDs” and “HAVE TOs” is outdated. It has done nothing but make you feel bad about yourself, which only negatively impacts the situation.
You can’t be strategic unless you’re logical. And you can’t be logical unless you’re grounded. (In Episode 7, I shared tips for how to stay grounded in stepparenting.
The part of your brain experiencing big emotions is in fight-or-flight mode, which means the logical part of your brain is shut down. The emotional part of your brain and the logical part of your brain are never on at the same time.
3 Steps to Having Difficult Stepparenting Conversations
It might seem like talking to your family is difficult. But… since you’re a stepparent, I already know that you can do hard things! Here is exactly how to approach it:
1. Identify what’s bothering you
Write down or speak out into a voice memo exactly how you feel and what is bothering you. Review the voice memo or journal entry and get clear on the main points, letting everything else go. You might need to repeat this step a few times to distill what the core issues really are.
2. Share how you feel with your partner
Once you have your main points, discuss them with your partner. Make sure to have this conversation alone, without the stepchild present. If things get heated, take a break and regroup at another time when you’re both calm and can actually hear each other. Even if you don’t make it through everything on the first go-around, that’s okay. Starting the process is still creating progress! Once you guys have come to an agreement, discuss the best approach for talking to your stepchild.
3. Discuss the situation with your stepchild
Depending on what you and your partner decide, what you are comfortable with, and what the situation calls for, it might be best to have a heart-to-heart with your stepchild alone. Open up to them, allow yourself to get vulnerable, and let them know how you feel. Ask them for help problem-solving a solution! Every child loves to be of value and can often problem-solve a lot more creatively and effectively than we give them credit for. They will deeply appreciate being included and trusted.
The more you do things you’re not used to doing, the more you build those atrophied communication muscles, and the easier doing these things becomes. Plus, when you go out of your way to do something repeatedly, your mind automatically begins to perceive it as safe.
Give these steps a try and let me know how it goes. I’d love to hear from you! Until next time, be well.
Related Episodes:
- Dealing with a Difficult Bio-Parent
- Stepparent’s Crippling Dirty Little Secret
- Building Your Blended Family Dream Team
Enjoying the show? Here is how to leave a review on Apple Podcasts:
- Open the Podcasts app on your iPhone, iPad, or Mac.
- Navigate to the Synergistic Stepparenting Podcast.
- On the show page, scroll down to find the subhead titled “Ratings & Reviews.”
- Under one of the highlighted reviews, select “Write a Review.”
If you like what you hear, please give us a 5-star rating! Let us and others know what you love about the show.