Hello stepparents!
Welcome back to another episode of the Synergistic Stepparenting podcast, I’m your host Maria Natapov, Stepparenting Coach and Strategist.
A few weeks ago I shared on social media that the Synergistic Stepparenting podcast celebrated its half birthday. And in celebration of this fact, this week we’re sharing our most downloaded episode.
For our new listeners who haven’t gotten the chance to catch up on some of the earlier episodes yet, we wanted to make sure that you don’t miss out on this gem.
And if you’ve been with us for a while, we wanted to make sure to highlight this value-packed episode by giving you a chance to relisten. Because who couldn’t use a reminder to ask for what we need and how to do it?
I am sincere grateful to you for listening and spending your precious time with us! I’m so touched by this gesture, that I would like to give you something in return.
So, I invite you to head over to synergisticstepparenting.com/subscribe to get your FREE guide called 4 Steps to Start Transforming Family Chaos into Harmonious Co-Parenting including several powerful tools to get you immediate results!
I also inviting you to hit like and subscribe to this podcast on your favorite streaming app so you don’t miss a thing.
And it would be amazing if you leave us a review and share some of your favorite aspects of the podcast so that other stepparents who could benefit from this advice, these tips and strategies can also find us and join you on this journey.
Now, without further ado, I present to you our MVP episode – How To Have Difficult Stepparenting Conversations. Enjoy!
How to Have Difficult Stepparenting Conversations
Hello, beautiful stepparents! I want to lay a stake in the ground and tell you, you are amazing! The way you show up for your partner and your stepchild, is nothing short of incredible!
The way you worry, and think about them, plan all the things, and make sure all the important stuff happens and is taken care of is nothing short of awesome! Simply put – you are a superhero!
But sometimes even superheroes, need to call for reinforcements and get a little help. Today, we’re taking a deep dive into how to have difficult conversations with our beloved blended family members.
You might not know how remarkable you are. And your blended housemates might forget to tell you … or might not even realize it. Because you’re so good at making it all happen smoothly behind the scenes. And you make it look so effortless.
But all the things you do are not going unnoticed. They matter! And they make a big impact on your partner’s and stepchild’s lives.
Feeling at Odds and Unappreciated by Your Blended Family
Recently, I’ve been hearing from a lot of you that it’s hard to do the grind. You’re feeling like you are alone in disciplining your stepkid and you don’t feel that your partner has your back.
You feel unappreciated by your stepchild. You hate to nag them all the time, but you feel like without it, they don’t do anything they are supposed to.
It breaks my heart because so many of you tell me that you need to busy yourself with hobbies, outings with friends, and even take on MORE WORK just to get out of the house and escape the feelings of disappointment and negativity.
Well, you don’t have to feel trapped in your own home! There is another way. Being part of a blended family is about compromise, not about imprisonment.
You work so hard to consider and try to meet everyone else’s needs, it’s important that you value your own needs too.
What to Do About the Overwhelm of Disappointment and Hard Work of Stepparenting
It can be easy to slip into the pattern of thinking that if you do more for them, they will realize it and will want to return the favor. But the truth is, they might literally not work that way. As in, planning things might not be their strong suit.
Their brains might be wired in such a way that they have no idea how to juggle everything by planning ahead. They might not realize all the hard work and millions of little steps involved.
So, it wouldn’t occur to them how much you’re doing and what a heavy lift it is. And because you make it look so easy, they might not know that you need help.
Unless … you let them know!
Unless you ask for the help you need, or a shoulder to lean on. Unless you share just how much is on your plate.
Why Stepparents Need To Ask For Help
Asking for help is not something that we are used to doing. Society tells us that asking for help is a sign of weakness. When it comes to parenting, if we need help, we are made to feel like there is something wrong with us.
We are expected to inherently just know how to do everything, have endless supplies of patience and energy, and have the perfect words to say in every situation involving our family members.
I want you to know that it’s not true. That tape with all those SHOULD’s and HAVE TO’s is outdated. And it’s done nothing but make you feel bad about yourself. Which only negatively impacts any situation.
You can’t be strategic unless you’re logical. And you can’t be logical unless you’re grounded. In episode 7, I shared tips for how to stay grounded in stepparenting. Find the show notes for that episode at synergisticstepparenting.com/7.
The part of your brain experiencing big emotions, is in fight or flight mode, which means the logical part of your brain is shut down. Since the emotional part of your brain and the logical part of your brain are never on at the same time.
3 Steps to Having Difficult Stepparenting Conversations
It might seem like talking to your family is difficult. But … since you’re a stepparent, I already know that you can do hard things.
Here’s how to approach it …
1. Identify what’s bothering you.
Write down or speak out into a voice memo how you feel and what’s bothering you.
Review the voice memo and get clear on the main points letting everything else go. You might need to repeat both of these steps a few times to clarify what the main points are.
2. Share how you feel with your partner.
Once you have your main points, discuss them with your partner. Make sure to have this conversation alone without the stepchild present.
If things get heated, take a break and regroup at another time when you’re both calm and can hear each other.
I shared tips on how to get calm in stepparenting in episode 11. Find the show notes for that episode at synergisticstepparenting.com/11.
Even if you don’t make it through everything on the first go round, that’s okay. Starting the process is still creating progress.
Once you guys have come to an agreement, discuss the approach of talking to your stepchild.
3. Discuss the situation with your stepchild.
Depending on what you and your partner decide, are comfortable with and what the situation calls for, it might be best to have a heart to heart with your stepchild alone.
Open up to them and allow yourself to get vulnerable and let them know how you feel.
Ask them for help problem solving the solution. Every child loves to be of value and can often problem solve a lot more creatively and effectively than we give them credit for. And they’ll appreciate being included and trusted.
The more you do things you’re not used to doing, the more you build the atrophied muscles and the easier doing these things becomes.
Plus, when you go out of your way to do something, your mind automatically perceives it as safe.
Give these steps a try and let me know how it goes, I’d love to hear from you!
Until next time, be well!
Related Episodes:
Dealing with a Difficult Bio-Parent
Stepparent’s Crippling Dirty Little Secret
Building Your Blended Family Dream Team
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