Hi, Stepparents! I’m so excited for this week’s episode because I got to interview my stepdaughter, Lila.
I got to ask her juicy questions about what her experience was really like getting a stepparent, things that happened along the way, the advice she would pass on to you, and the advice she has for your stepkids. We are getting a piece of her journey and her biggest takeaways. I know you will definitely find golden nuggets to implement in your own blended family.
Let’s get started…
MARIA NATAPOV:
Hi, Lila, thank you so much for doing this. Welcome to the show.
LILA (MY STEPDAUGHTER):
Hi, mom.
MARIA NATAPOV:
I’m going to jump right in with the first question. What was the hardest part of getting a stepparent? What was that situation like for you?
The Hardest Part of Getting a Stepparent
LILA:
I was used to having my mom and my dad. After they split up, it got kind of emotionally challenging because I was so used to seeing them together all the time, and not having to spend a lot of my time with one parent and then seeing another parent for a few days. It was kind of weird.
When my birth mom introduced me to her new boyfriend, it was just out of the blue. So that was also really confusing. But when I met you, it felt more relaxing because my dad was saying, “Hey, you’re gonna meet this person. And I really hope you like them. I really like them.” He was really getting me ready to meet you. It was just a mixture of emotions.
MARIA NATAPOV:
I’d like to follow up on that. If you can remember, what specific things did he do to prepare you that were helpful?
LILA:
He kind of told me what you were going to be like. He told me that you’re fun and energetic and out there. And he told me that you were really nice and sweet and a really good person, which made me feel a lot better.
Obviously, with my birth mom, I didn’t know anything about anything. She was just like, “Oh, yeah, we’re moving in with this guy.” It was relieving to actually know what a person is going to be like before I meet them. It gives me something to look forward to.
MARIA NATAPOV:
I’m just curious, did you have any say in whether this stuff happened, or when it happened? Did you get a say before you even knew there was a “me”?
LILA:
I didn’t really have a say before. After they broke up, my dad never really talked to me about dating or introduced me to girls. I was kind of used to it just being me and him. So it was a newer thing when I met you, and it was good that I wasn’t thrown straight into it.
But for you specifically, I did get a say. Usually, my dad wants to make sure that he is happy, but that I’m also happy. He bases it off if we’re both happy. So if I wasn’t happy with you, I don’t really know what would have happened. But I like you!
A Stepchild’s Biggest Fear About Their New Stepparent
MARIA NATAPOV:
Thank you for that. Next question: What were your biggest fears about getting a stepparent?
LILA:
That they are going to try to take the place of the original parent. You spend a lot of your life with them, and you have a physical and emotional connection—especially to a mom, because of the physiological connection of birth. It makes it a lot harder to think about meeting somebody new who could possibly be a new parent.
That’s kind of stressful when you’re so used to having only one set of parents, and then suddenly, “Here’s a new stepmom and your stepdad.” In the big perspective, you’re getting a new parent and an entirely new family to get to know (stepbrothers, aunts, uncles, grandparents). In the beginning, I didn’t think about that. I was just like, “Oh, no, I got another parent and I don’t want them to take the place in my heart and push the original parent out.”
Also, when I was younger, I was told that stepmoms are not good people. They’re the bad guys. A lot of kids are told that because that’s what’s in fairy tales! They get told that stepmoms are evil. But a lot of the time they’re not. They’re trying really hard to be a good parent or just a good role model for you. As our relationship started to grow, I saw that you were just trying your best to be a good role model and a good parent, so that made my fear go away.
Overcoming Rocky Beginnings to Build Trust
MARIA NATAPOV:
What was it like for you when I actually came into the picture?
LILA:
I was really happy. The first thing that I did was ask you to be my mom. When I saw you, I was ecstatic. New things made me really excited, especially the anticipation. I saw that you were beautiful and happy to meet me. On TV shows, I saw that when adults met kids, they weren’t always that excited. I was nervous you weren’t going to like me. But seeing how happy you were made me so happy that I was just like, “Can you be my mom?”
MARIA NATAPOV:
What was it like as we started to develop our relationship and you saw more of me?
LILA:
In the beginning, it was really good. But I had a lot of emotional stuff going on, so our relationship was kind of rocky because I kept on exploding emotionally. I would just start fighting with you. I know that I was really aggressive at times because I wouldn’t let out my emotions, so it would all just build up and I would eventually explode.
Other than that, I’d say our relationship was really, really stable. Over time, we both have done a lot of work to help ourselves and get to know ourselves better. Even with dad, too! We’re all trying to get better in our own way, whether that’s with anger, eating, sleeping, or literally anything. We’re all just trying to do what’s best for us and what we think is best for the people we care about.
2 Pieces of Advice for Stepparents (From a Stepchild)
MARIA NATAPOV:
Do you have any advice for stepparents to be successful when dealing with their stepkids?
LILA:
1. Listen and Check In
I would say listen to the child. If you don’t, you won’t really understand what’s going on. Pay attention to how they feel, and check in.
Check-ins don’t have to be serious or detrimental. One thing a kid doesn’t want to do is have serious conversation after serious conversation. They want to be able to calm down and relax. Set an environment of relaxation. Hug them, or just tell them, “Hey, it’s okay, you don’t have to talk to me about this if you really don’t want to, I just want to know how you’re doing. I’m here for you if you need it.” Just being there takes a load off your shoulders. What a kid really needs is for a parent to just see them and acknowledge that things are going to be okay, and that they are not alone.
2. Mutual Respect
Another one is: don’t disrespect the child. A big thing in every relationship is that mutual respect is in order. It might take a little time at first because healing and getting used to things takes time. But respect is one of the main things anybody should be thinking about. Ask yourself: Am I respecting my kid’s decisions? Their boundaries? Their feelings? That’s a big thing.
Overcoming Childhood Trauma
MARIA NATAPOV:
I couldn’t agree with you more. Final question. If you had to do it all over again, what would you do differently?
LILA:
I wouldn’t do anything differently. I love the way that my life turned out. I’ve learned a lot of things, dealt with hardships, and gotten through them.
My story involves a lot of abuse and neglect for many years. A lot of trauma. Not really having somebody be there for me when I needed it. (Just clarifying: mom [Maria] was always there for me and so was dad. My birth mom and my stepdad just weren’t good people). It took a long time to really get it out, but everything started to get better after that.
I got to live with my two favorite people. I got to finally live the life that I wanted to without being in fear all the time, without feeling like I’m going to be criticized for every little thing, and not feeling like I was going to get hurt all the time. I learned how to stand up for myself, set boundaries, and really accept who I was.
MARIA NATAPOV:
Awesome. Well, it’s such a treat to be around you. You’re such a gift. Thank you for your candid feedback and opening up your world so that other stepparents can learn from you.
A Stepchild’s Advice For Other Stepchildren
LILA:
I have one more thing… for stepkids.
Understand where stepparents are coming from. The best that you can, just try to understand it. Because it’s hard to come into a new family that they’re not used to. Try not to give them such a hard time, because all they want to do is be there for you and your other parent, care for you, and make sure everything is okay.
I know it might be hard when somebody new comes in. I know it’s hard for me, and I know it’s hard for a lot of people. But just realize that they only want what’s best for you, nothing more, and nothing less.
MARIA NATAPOV:
On that note, from the mouths of babes! Thank you so much, Lila. It was such a treat, and we really appreciate your wisdom.
Related Episodes:
- Abuse and my Stepparenting Story
- Confessions of a Stepdaughter – Broken Silence: Part 1
- Deconstructing Eating Disorders with Dr. Dara Bushman: Part 1
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