Hi, Stepparents. I’m so excited for this week’s episode because I got to interview my stepdaughter. I got to ask her juicy questions about what her experience was like with getting a stepparent, things that happened along the way, advice that she would pass on to you, and even to your step kids. And getting a piece of her journey and her takeaways. I hope you enjoy it and think you’ll definitely find golden nuggets to take away with you and implement. Let’s get started …
MARIA NATAPOV:
Hi, Lila, thank you so much for doing this. Welcome to the show.
MY STEPDAUGHTER:
Hi mom.
MARIA NATAPOV:
I’m going to jump right in with the first question.
MY STEPDAUGHTER:
Okay.
The Hardest Part of Getting A Stepparent For A Stechild
MARIA NATAPOV:
What was the hardest part of getting a stepparent? What was that situation like for you?
MY STEPDAUGHTER:
So I was used to having my mom and my dad. After they split up, it got kind of emotionally challenging, because I was so used to them being together. I was just seeing them together all the time and not having to spend a lot of my time with one parent, and then seeing another parent for a few days. It was kind of weird. When my birth mom introduced me to her new boyfriend, or whatever, it was just like out of the blue. So that was also really confusing. But when I met you, it felt more relaxing. Because he – my dad – was saying, “Hey, you’re gonna meet this person. And I really hope you like them. I really liked them.” And just really getting me ready to meet you. And so it was just like, it was just a mixture of emotions.
What The Bio-Parent Can Do To Make It Easier On Your Stepchild
MARIA NATAPOV:
I’d like to follow up on that. What, if you can remember, what specific things did he do that felt that he prepared you for that and that were helpful?
MY STEPDAUGHTER:
Um, he kind of told me what you were going to be like a little bit. So, he told me that you’re fun and energetic and out there. And he told me that you were really nice and sweet and a really good person. Which made me feel like a lot better. Because like, obviously, with my birth mom, she didn’t. I didn’t know anything about anything. Like, she’s just like, “Oh, yeah, we’re moving in with this guy.” And it’s like, “Oh, okay.” So it’s like, it just was relieving to actually know what this person’s going to be like, before I meet them. It gives me like something to look forward to.
MARIA NATAPOV:
I’m just curious, did you have any say, in whether this stuff happens, or when it happened?
MY STEPDAUGHTER:
I did.
MARIA NATAPOV:
Tell me more.
MY STEPDAUGHTER:
For you. Um, so usually, my dad wants to make sure that he is happy but I’m also happy. He just bases it off if we’re both happy. So if I wasn’t happy with you, I don’t really know what would have happened. But I like you. So obviously …
MARIA NATAPOV:
Did you get a say before? Before you knew there was a me? Did you get a say in weather …
MY STEPDAUGHTER:
So I didn’t. After they broke up, he never really talked to me about dating or anything. Um, so I was kind of used to it just being me and him. And so he never really talked to me, “Okay, I’m going on a date with this girl.” And he never really introduced me to girls. And if he did, I don’t really remember. So it was a newer thing when I met you, so it was good, that I wasn’t thrown straight into it.
A Stepchild’s Biggest Fear About Their New Stepparent
MARIA NATAPOV:
Thank you for that. Next question. What were your biggest fears about getting a stepparent?
MY STEPDAUGHTER:
Um, that they are going to try to take place of the original parent. Because it’s like you spend a lot of your life and you have a physical connection usually, to the mom. A more emotional connection. Because obviously, like when you give birth to a kid, um, you have that physical connection, which makes it kind of hard.
MARIA NATAPOV:
I get it. A physiological connection, I think?
MY STEPDAUGHTER:
Yeah. So it makes it a lot harder to like think about, “Hey, you’re meeting somebody new that could possibly be a new parent.” Like, that’s, that’s kind of stressful when you’re so used to having only one set of parents. And then like, “Oh, yeah, here’s a new one. Here’s a new stepmom and your stepdad.” It’s like, “Oh, no, now I have another set of parents.” And it’s like too, when you think about it, in the big perspective, you’re getting a new parent and a new family as well to get to know. I know, when I was younger, I didn’t really think about it that much what it was going to be like. Oh, yeah, like you have – say they have kids – you have a new stepbrother. And then you have like, aunts and uncles and grandparents and stuff that you need to meet. And in the beginning, I didn’t really think about that. I was just like, “Oh, no, I got another parent and I don’t want them to take place in my heart and push the the original parent out.” That was my biggest fear that when it came to having – say it was you – they’re gonna push my birth mom just out of the way and kind of cloud everything. Because obviously, when I was younger, I was told, like, stepmoms are not good people. Like they’re the bad guys and everything. And I know a lot of kids are told that because that’s what’s in fairy tales. They get told that stepmoms are evil. And not always. A lot of the time they’re not. And they’re trying really hard to be a good parent or just a good role model for you. So that eventually played in a lot. As our relationship started to grow, that you were just trying your best to be a good role model and a good parent. So that kind of made that fear go away.
MARIA NATAPOV:
I’m glad that was felt. Okay, so moving right ahead. What was it like for you when I actually came into the picture?
MY STEPDAUGHTER:
I was really happy. And the first thing that I did was ask you to be my mom. And I was so happy. I was unbelievably happy. When I saw you. I was ecstatic.
MARIA NATAPOV:
What do you think contributed to that intense positive emotion?
MY STEPDAUGHTER:
When I was younger, new things made me really excited. Sometimes. If I was thrown into it, not so much. It was like an anticipation. And granted, I didn’t have a lot of time to anticipate. But still, the anticipation made me really happy. And seeing you being beautiful, and happy to meet me. Which some people, I don’t know. I saw it a lot when I was younger in shows that when they met kids, they weren’t that excited. So I was nervous about that. I was nervous that you weren’t gonna like me. And that it wasn’t gonna be good. I was very nervous about that. But after I saw you and saw how happy you were, made me so happy that I was just like, “Can you be my mom?”
MARIA NATAPOV:
Got caught up in the moment?
MY STEPDAUGHTER:
Oh, yeah. So much.
MARIA NATAPOV:
You’re extremely hard not to completely adore. So let’s just get that one out of the way real quick. So what was it like? I mean, what was it like, you know, when I really stepped into the picture as we started to develop our relationship and you saw more of me? What was that like for you?
MY STEPDAUGHTER:
Um, well, in the beginning, it was really good. I had a lot of emotional stuff going on. So our relationship was kind of rocky because I kept on exploding emotionally. Like, I would just start fighting with you. And I know that I was really aggressive at times, because I wouldn’t I wouldn’t be letting out my emotions. So it would all just kind of be building up and I would eventually explode. Um, but other than that, I’d say our relationship was really, really stable. Over time, we both have done a lot of work, too.
MARIA NATAPOV:
Mm hmm.
MY STEPDAUGHTER:
To help ourselves and really get to know ourselves better other than each other. Even with dad too. ‘Cause we’re all trying to get better in our own way, whether that’s anger, or eating, or sleeping, or literally anything. We’re all just trying to do what’s best for us and what we think is best for other people as well in our lives that we really care about. And that’s what really has been shown a lot in our relationship over the past 10 years.
2 Pieces Of Advice For Stepparents From A Stepchild
MARIA NATAPOV:
Do you have any advice for step parents to be successful when dealing with their stepkids?
1. Listen
MY STEPDAUGHTER:
Um, I would say listen to the child. If you don’t, you won’t really understand what’s going on. Really, like, pay attention to how they feel, and check-in. Because that didn’t really happen. Like with you it did but like, I only got to see you two days. So it was it was kind of hard. So I didn’t really get those check-ins a lot. And I was really looking for those check-ins, because everything can be really stressful. No matter how old you are, it gets really stressful. And being able to have that parent, that figure come up and they’ll be like your kind of support, that takes like a load off your shoulders. And that’s something that I advise literally, not only for to do with kids, but like anybody in general. Another thing is like, in…
MARIA NATAPOV:
Real quick, could you just elaborate how best to create those opportunities for check-ins? Like what’s the best approach or situation? Just in case, if you could give a little bit more like, what would feel comfortable? What would feel good? What’s a good way to do that?
MY STEPDAUGHTER:
Obviously not when there’s just a lot of serious talk going on. Because I know for me, that didn’t work very well. Serious things are serious things. Check-ins don’t have to be serious. They don’t have to be like a detrimental thing. That’s one thing that a kid doesn’t want to do is have serious conversation after serious conversation. They want to be able to calm down and relax. And if you set that tone, set that environment of just relaxation, like even hugging them, or just like telling them, “Hey, it’s okay, you don’t have to talk to me about this if you really don’t want to, I just want to know how you’re doing. I just wanted to check-in and say that I’m here for you if you need it.” And just being there for them. That’s really what a kid needs is for a parent to just see them and acknowledge that things are going to be okay. And that they’re there for you to talk to. So you’re not alone.
2. Respect
MARIA NATAPOV:
And what was … you werr gonna say more. You were going to give some more tips, you have some other advice as well.
MY STEPDAUGHTER:
Another one is, don’t disrespect the child. A big thing in relationships, every relationship, is that mutual respect is in order. And if you don’t give this kid respect, and if they don’t give you respect, then obviously like granted, if it’s in the beginning, it might take a little time. Because things take time. Things take time to heal and get used to. So at first it might be hard. But respect is one of the main things that anybody should be thinking about. Am I respecting my kids decision? Boundaries? Feelings? Like that’s, that’s a big thing.
MARIA NATAPOV:
It’s true. I couldn’t agree with you more. Final question. If you had to do it all over again, what would you do differently?
MY STEPDAUGHTER:
I wouldn’t do anything differently. I love the way that my life turned out. Even though, you’d think that I wouldn’t, but I do like the way my life turned out. I’ve learned a lot of things dealt with hardships, but gotten through them.
MARIA NATAPOV:
That’s like the understatement of the century. I mean, feel free to share a little bit just overview of your story, if you want to.
MY STEPDAUGHTER:
I feel like you already have.
MARIA NATAPOV:
No. It’s not my story.
MY STEPDAUGHTER:
I know but like … I guess just … Abuse. A lot of abuse for many years. Neglect. A lot of trauma. Not really having somebody be there for me when I needed it. And clarifying: so mom was always there for me and so was dad. My birth mom and my stepdad just weren’t good people. And it took a long time to really get it out. And everything started to get better after that. I got to live with my favorite two people. And I got to finally live the life that I wanted to without being in fear all the time without feeling like I’m going to be criticized for every little thing that I was doing. And not feel like I was going to get hurt all the time. So like, I learned a lot from that. And I learned how to stand up for myself and set boundaries and eat, sleep and really know me better than I did before. And really except who I was.
MARIA NATAPOV:
Awesome. Well, it’s such a treat to be around you. Truly, I mean, you’re such a gift. And thank you so much. Thank you for your candid feedback and opening up your world a little bit so that other stepparents can learn from you. And hopefully, maybe even stepkids get to be inspired that, you know, like you said, it sounds like communication is really the key. So finding whatever way you need to to communicate what your needs are what’s really going on for you. Sounds like it’s the most important.
A Stepchild’s Advice For Stepchildren
MY STEPDAUGHTER:
I have one more thing.
MARIA NATAPOV:
Please, yes.
MY STEPDAUGHTER:
For stepkids. Understand where step parents are coming from. The best that you can, just try to understand it. Because it’s hard to come into a new family that they’re not used to. So you really need to understand and try not to give them such a hard time. Because all they want to do is be there for you and your other parent and care for you and make sure everything is okay. And I know it might be hard when somebody new comes in. I know it’s hard for me. I know it’s hard for a lot of people. Some people are good with it. Some people aren’t. Depends on who you are. But just realize that they only want what’s best for you, and nothing more, and nothing less.
MARIA NATAPOV:
That’s awesome. I mean, on that note from the mouths of babes, we’re gonna call it. Thank you so much, Lila. It was such a treat. And we really appreciate your wisdom.
MY STEPDAUGHTER:
Thank you.
Thank you again for joining me this wraps up our episode. Tune in next week for another juicy episode, I won’t say any more about it for now. Until next time, be well!
Related Episodes:
Abuse and my Stepparenting Story
Confessions of a Stepdaughter – Broken Silence: Part 1
Deconstructing Eating Disorders with Dr. Dara Bushman: Part 1
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