Hello stepparents.
Recently, I watched an inspirational TED Talk about the power of sharing your story. I love TED Talks because there’s always something valuable in them. In that moment, I realized that sharing my story completely might help to shed light on a specific kind of experience.
My hope is that it will help someone else in a similar situation see that they, too, can get to the other side of their trauma and have a full, beautiful life.
This goes out to you who find yourself in a bad situation or a bad relationship: Know that you are not alone. You are worthy, you are beautiful, and you can achieve absolutely anything you set your mind to.
Finding Stepparenting Strength in Moments of Unworthiness
You CAN have the beauty and blessings that you thought you could never have. It starts with deciding to get to know that part of yourself—no matter how tiny of a speck of a part that is inside of you—that knows it or gets excited about it. Just feed into it. Keep leaning into it.
Because that is what you have been severed from. That part is your true friend. That is your true voice. It is your true self. Allow yourself to get back in touch with it—that part that’s full of love and has all the wisdom and resources you could ever need inside of you.
The way to do that is simply wanting to hear it. Just allow yourself to want to hear it, and lean into that desire. That’s where it starts. It’s as simple as that, I promise.
My Story: Becoming a Stepmom to a Child of Abuse
Several of you know that I’m a stepparenting coach, and you probably know that my stepdaughter was abused and neglected by her bio-mom and stepdad. That is how she ended up living with us full-time, and how I ended up essentially becoming a full-time mom (even though, technically, I’m a stepmom).
This was not at all by choice, but by necessity and by desperately wanting to stand by this young girl.
The reason I deeply understood her, felt the gravity of her situation, and knew how to stand by her side, is because I am a domestic abuse survivor. My ex-husband was abusive at times.
Understanding it now and dissecting everything, it’s clear we both had our own traumas that we brought to that scenario. It was a volatile situation. Had I known then what I know now, I would have seen that. But, of course, hindsight is always 20/20. When you haven’t been through something, it’s hard to see your way through it from behind that experience.
So I knew the severity of what my stepdaughter was going through. I knew that what she needed more than anything was somebody who understood her, and somebody who was just willing to love her.
Someone who might not be great at it at times, and who will make mistakes because they’re human, but whose commitment to loving her was absolute. I was never “Mom.” I honestly believed that I shouldn’t be a mom, and it was never a role that I expected to step into. But here I was.
From the very beginning when I first met her (which I didn’t want to do until it was a serious make-or-break moment in my relationship), she was just absolutely incredible. She was so hard not to love. When we learned about the abuse and neglect, stepping up was a no-brainer.
How Surviving Trauma Shaped My Blended Family
That was such a terrifying time for me. I was broken down psychologically to being a child, while living as an adult woman for many years.
Even realizing that fact was hard because it’s not something you can see from inside of that situation—especially because we met when I was 15. Recognizing how stunted I had been throughout that time because of mistreatment was difficult. Carrying those wounds was heavy. Healing from them wasn’t easy, and it was a very long road. I struggled with a lot of self-worth issues coupled with the physical abuse, which made me feel like a fool.
I recognize now that we were kids, each with our own heavy baggage. We didn’t know better, didn’t have the tools and resources to heal, and clearly didn’t have anybody in our lives who could recognize that healing was what we needed to do.
It took time for both of us to realize it and help each other. I had helped him find a day program for his substance abuse, which was the moment that both of us started to heal. We were in it equally. I didn’t feel forced to be there, though I didn’t think I deserved better. Though not fully grasping it then, I was aware of the negative aspects and recognized that there were things that weren’t okay and didn’t feel good. I got through it by allowing myself to dream. I allowed myself to feel and want things that weren’t there, but that I deeply desired.
Sharing Your Wisdom Through Guidance
When it comes to kids, they don’t know what they don’t know. It is so valuable to have a guide through those terrible, awful moments. That’s what I was able to offer my stepdaughter.
We’ve been able to forge our relationship because I didn’t try to hide my flaws. She came into this relationship eyes-wide-open because I didn’t try to shield her from my imperfections or pretend that I was something I wasn’t. I had some stuff I needed to work on, but I knew we could work through it together. And we have. I’m so grateful she allowed me that privilege.
I needed to share my story to say this: If you are now, or have ever been, in a similar boat, and you feel that you don’t have anything to offer a child… it’s not true.
All of the life you’ve lived, for better or worse, is your wisdom. No matter what has happened, give yourself permission to say, “I messed up in this area, but I learned from it, and it’s made me the person that I am.” Wiser, more courageous, smarter, more disciplined, more diligent… fill in the blank here.
Your insights and experiences are valuable. Please don’t ever think that being a mentor or another adult in a child’s life would be a detriment to them. No! It is a beautiful, incredible thing when you are willing to share yourself that way with a child.
They will appreciate you because you are showing up completely and sincerely. There won’t be a power struggle because the dynamic is equal. You aren’t arriving as an “authority” on everything, but arriving with your flaws, your experience, and your hard-earned wisdom.
You Are Worthy of a Beautiful Life
If you’re struggling with your past, and that is preventing you from wanting to be a stepparent, don’t let that get in the way. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to have a family of your own. You even deserve the joy of being around children if, for whatever reason, having your own biological children is not for you. I get it. That was 100% me.
I want you to know that there’s life at the end of the terrible thing, whatever that might be. And when you’re at the other end of it, you can still have a full life. You can do it on your own terms.
It’s a beautiful thing to have access to kids and watch them grow at close range. It’s such an incredibly powerful, fascinating, and heart-warming experience. They have so much to teach you, and so much to reflect back to you.
I want you to know that you are worthy of whatever it is that you want for yourself in life.
In case you need to hear that today, wherever you’re at: Whether you’re in a terrible, no-good situation, or whether you are on the other end of it feeling hurt, upset, vulnerable, and wanting to hide—know that you’re not alone.
It will be okay, and it’s okay to reach out for help. Blended family support is here and available to you. Please reach out to me at maria@nullsynergisticstepparenting.com. If nothing else, just to share your story with me. I would love to hear it.
You’re not alone. There are people who care. I am one of them. You can and will get through it. That’s what I’ll leave you with. Until next time, be well.
Related Episodes:
- My Story of Covert Abuse
- Confessions of a Stepdaughter
- The Surprising Thing That Will Make You a Great Stepparent
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