Hello Stepparents! Last week, I talked about the background of why kids have an inherent stepchild loyalty conflict when it comes to you (the stepparent) and their other biological parent.
If you haven’t yet listened to that episode, I highly recommend you do so. I shared what’s going on for your stepchild internally during and after a divorce. These insights help you, as the stepparent, understand exactly how your stepchild feels.
I also reflected that when your stepchild is directing big emotions toward you, it’s not personal. They are just trying to cope with what’s going on for them—which is A LOT! This is not to convince you to condone disrespectful behavior. But often, understanding the root cause and knowing you’re not being targeted helps you maintain your cool and move the dynamic in a productive direction.
This week, I want to continue this deep dive and move on to discussing behavior. First of all, I want to clarify that when I say “behavior,” there is no judgment attached to it. It is not “good” or “bad.” It just is. What I mean by behavior is simply something a person does or says.
In this episode, we’re going to explore not only the behavior of the child, but also the behavior of the parents—including you, the stepparent.
Stepparenting Concerns About Stepchild Behavior
Recently, several stepparents have reached out with concerns about their stepchildren acting out. Let’s look at two common scenarios.
Case Study 1: The Defiant 3-Year-Old
I spoke with a stepmom about her 3-year-old stepdaughter who likes saying “no” and seems to enjoy being “bad.” The stepmom was worried about her young stepdaughter’s defiance and how much worse things will get if they don’t nip this in the bud.
I want to start by saying: all behavior is communication. After speaking for a little bit, it was clear that there was a growing power struggle at play between the parents and the child. There was a lot of attention given to judging actions as bad or good. But kids don’t know that something is bad or good until they are taught. What kids do is explore and test boundaries to understand their place and their relationship to others around them.
Children respond most to the intensity of a response. The more intense your reaction, the more desired the behavior becomes to them—regardless of whether it’s a positive response or a negative response. Whether you are jumping up and down shouting “Yay!” or whether you are yelling at them, what they are responding to most is the attention that you’re giving them and the intensity of it.
So, you don’t want to give too much attention when the child is being stubborn. Instead, think of what else you can do to engage them in having success with what you’re asking them to do. For example, if you notice that taking off their coat is becoming a defiant game, wait to dress them until you or your partner are fully dressed and ready to take the child outside. Engage them in a more productive game or activity, like playing “I Spy.”
This redirects the child’s behavior, helps them achieve success, and creates a neuropathway for that desired behavior (instead of reinforcing the default for the undesired behavior).
Case Study 2: The Acting-Out Tween
I spoke with another stepmom who is concerned about her tween stepdaughter’s negative behavior at school. She is hitting peers, acting out, etc. The stepmom is worried that the issue is a lack of blended family discipline, and feels the child just needs to understand that this is unacceptable behavior.
If you don’t like a particular behavior, it’s best to limit the attention given to it. This seems counter-intuitive, I know! But just like the universal law suggests: what we focus on grows. If you focus a lot of energy and attention on what you don’t like, that will grow as well.
Instead, focus on any and all positive behavior. Point it out, letting your stepchild know how great they did or that they were a big help. For example: “Thanks so much for doing the dishes. When you pitch in around the house without my having to ask you or remind you, I see how responsible you are. I’m grateful for your help and appreciate you for taking care of this family!”
4 Tips to Address Negative Stepchild Behavior
Right now, you might be tempted to yell, “Maria, what are you talking about? I’m supposed to condone her lack of responsibility? How is she going to grow up to be a respectful adult?”
Trust me, I hear you and I see you. Once upon a time, not so long ago, I was you!
It’s not about letting it go in the sense that you’re condoning the behavior. But the truth is, the majority of children are not enjoying being “bad” or doing things just to make your life miserable. They are often trying to communicate that something is wrong, but they lack the insight to recognize it and the words to express it.
These actions are her feelings coming out sideways because they are too painful. What she really wants is to be seen, heard, and reassured that she’s loved. Here are 4 tips for how to do that:
1. Confirm That She’s a Good Kid
Start by letting her know that she’s a good kid, that you know these new things she’s been doing at school are not who she really is, and that you understand she’s just hurting. Let her know you’re here for her when she’s ready to talk. If you were to immediately punish her, it would validate that she gets attention for doing negative things. This way, you’re showing her you have her back.
2. Check In
Ask if she feels safe, if anyone is hurting her, or if you can help her in any way. That way, you’re validating the true part of who she is—the part you want to see more of—and making it okay for her to come to you with her problems.
3. Orient Her to Her True Self and Inner Wisdom
You don’t want her to be completely dependent on you to identify how she should act. Instead, you want to help her build that internal barometer for herself. To do that, you have to make it okay for her to learn—which means it has to be okay to make mistakes without having her head bitten off. Keep validating that you trust that she is a good person so that she can see that in herself, too. She will develop whatever skills she needs to live up to that.
4. Don’t Forget Self-Care
It’s important to remain calm no matter what she comes to you with. If you don’t know how to do it, don’t worry… I’ve got you! In Episode 7, I shared How to Stay Sane in Stepparenting, and in Episode 11, I shared the components of a Stepparenting Sanity Routine.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this episode. Please drop me a line to share them with me! Until next time, be well.
Related Episodes:
- Your Stepchild’s Loyalty Conflict – Part 1: Background
- 3 Common Pitfalls Effecting Your Stepchild’s Behavior
- How to Have Difficult Stepparenting Conversations
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