Hi Stepparents! With November already underway and the holidays just around the corner, it’s a busy time for all of us.
The holiday season is exciting but also nerve-wracking because of the long to-do lists on your plate. There are day-to-day obligations, getting your home ready, and holiday shopping—all of which are stressful and time-consuming. On top of that, there are family obligations (which often involve traveling or hosting family from out of town), planning big meals, and of course… navigating traditions.
It’s no wonder your holiday stress level is through the roof! You might be thinking to yourself, “I’d rather just hibernate through the holidays. Wake me up next year.”
But before you call it quits on the things you actually enjoy about the holiday season, I’d like to invite you to explore another approach. Today, I’m taking a deep dive into traditions and beliefs in your blended family, and why it’s worth a closer look. (Show notes for this episode can be found at [synergisticstepparenting.com/10]).
You hold your traditions and beliefs close to your heart. For a lot of us, there are nostalgic memories tied to traditions where it might not feel like Thanksgiving, for example, without X, Y, or Z. For my family, we go to La Salette Shrine and walk the grounds taking in the lights and decorations at Christmas time. It doesn’t feel like the end of the year without this family outing.
Similarly, you might not be able to remember a time when you didn’t hold the core beliefs you have today. (I recently did an episode about how your beliefs and mindset can hold you back—find the show notes at [synergisticstepparenting.com/9]).
The truth is, living in a blended family requires coming together and finding agreement.
Why Integrate Traditions and Beliefs with Your Blended Family?
Unifying your beliefs with your partner’s provides a more solid foundation from which to make parenting decisions. This creates consistency and stability for the kids.
Integrating aspects of the stepfamily traditions you hold dear with your partner’s and your stepkids’ ensures that you are meeting each other’s needs and filling your emotional buckets. Change, even when it’s for the better, takes a toll. It takes energy to make adjustments and get used to new routines. In a blended family, there are already lots of changes happening all around. So, it’s great if at least some of the most cherished aspects can stay the same.
I look at it like moving to a new house. Moving is an invitation to:
- Take inventory of all your stuff.
- Intentionally decide what is serving you and what is of value.
- Find a new home for the things that aren’t.
It’s a useful exercise to go through once in a while. It’s even more powerful when you have this conversation with your partner to discuss the idea. (Maybe even share this episode with them!) Have them go through this activity with you, and have the kids join in, too.
Regardless of whether your partner joins you in this or not, going through the exercise will help you gain clarity on what’s important to you. Including your partner helps get their buy-in. If you both approach this task with an open mind, you’ll get to know each other on a deeper level and will get to share more of yourself with each other.
Having heartfelt conversations and going through experiences together are the seeds of meaningful connection building. It’s a great time to clarify why you have certain traditions or hold particular values as a family.
4 Steps to Create Common Beliefs and Traditions
So, you’re ready to get started! You see the value in giving this exercise a go. Can you find some common ground that everyone can agree on? I believe the answer is yes, it’s possible.
Here is how to begin creating blended family holidays that work for everyone:
1. Create a List of Your Treasured Beliefs and Traditions
After writing out each one, take some time to consider how you feel about it. Ask yourself whether it still holds true for you, whether you still agree with it, or which aspects might not sit well or be important anymore. Get quiet and still. Listen inward for the answer.
2. Let Go of What No Longer Serves You
Get rid of or cross out anything that no longer resonates with you, has value for you, or connects with you. Don’t be afraid to let things go. You might find this challenging, and you might get emotional because of your attachment to these ideas. But everything has its season.
Allow yourself to mourn and grieve if you must. There’s a good chance that you’re not actually mourning the specific belief or tradition, but the change itself—the change in circumstances or maybe even the change within yourself. Once you’ve mourned and allowed yourself space to process those feelings, let yourself move on.
3. Share Your Lists with Your Blended Family
Allow them to ask questions and share their thoughts. Try your best to keep an open mind and to take in what they have to say. Try to stay neutral. Sometimes looking at things from a bird’s-eye view is helpful to stay objective. This distance prevents you from slipping into thinking that shared thoughts are personal digs.
4. Look for the Similarities
Take some time to come together and identify the common values and important aspects of traditions. Try to find things that all members of the blended family like and want to keep. It’s not about the number of things; it’s about finding one or two values and creating one or two traditions that everyone can get behind and feel good about.
This exercise might take time, and there might need to be several rounds of conversations. This is perfectly fine. Don’t rush the process!
The important thing is that you are talking about it and sharing your thoughts. All of this serves a wonderful purpose: helping you get to know each other and gain more clarity on how to work together as a family.
Until next time, be well!
Related Episodes:
- Stepparenting Feels Like A Culture Clash
- #1 Obstacle To Achieving Your Stepparenting Goal
- How To Have Difficult Stepparenting Conversations
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