Hello, stepparents! I’m so excited to share this episode with you. I had the pleasure of interviewing my partner, John Swain, to dig into some of the challenges that we faced on our stepparenting journey and the process of blending our family.
I know that you are going to find some extremely valuable nuggets to take away, and probably find many relatable aspects as well. I’m so excited to be sharing this story with you. Let’s listen in!
MARIA NATAPOV:
Hey, John, welcome to the show. Thanks so much for coming on.
JOHN SWAIN:
Hey, thanks for having me.
MARIA NATAPOV:
Let’s dive right in. What was it like to realize that your partner was going to be your child’s stepparent? What was that situation like for you when everything was transitioning from your previous relationship towards that end?
A Bio-Parent’s Thoughts on Bringing in a Stepparent
JOHN SWAIN:
Relationships fall apart, and I think we go to the worst of thoughts when it happens. You know… we’re not a family anymore. It’s not going to be this tight group. It was like the VIP club is no more, and everything is falling to shambles. It’s terrifying because all you think is the worst. What’s going to happen to my daughter? She doesn’t have a family that’s together anymore.
I was trying to make sure I could re-establish some sort of warm family environment without tossing her in and out of possible suitors. That was a crazy transition. As you know, it took months before you met her. And that was months after being sure that I wanted to date you. You finally met her, which is a very scary ordeal, as you want it to go right. The last thing you want to do is pull everything out from underneath your kid.
I wanted to make sure that I was very certain, and then I had to make sure that she was very certain. For me, if it didn’t work out between you two, then how could I keep going? My daughter is number one for me. But I was quickly falling for you, and it had to be just right. And it just was.
I went from having heart attacks and contemplating the worst of scenarios to quickly realizing that you were the right puzzle piece for the family. Over the years, it blows my mind how much we vibe properly together.
The Bio-Parent’s Biggest Blended Family Fears
MARIA NATAPOV:
I’m going to take it back a little slower. If you could remember back, what were some of your biggest fears?
JOHN SWAIN:
You know what’s funny is, I shouldn’t have had the fears that I had. They were very irrational because I know my daughter very well, and I knew you very well. But the biggest one was that I introduce you to my daughter, and she just hates you. Or that she loved you, but you hated her.
There’s also the fear that you wouldn’t want the role. We put these labels on there—mom and stepmom—but there’s no way that in your mind coming into the situation you’re not asking yourself, “Do I want to be a mom? Am I going to be a mother to this child?” I was afraid you would meet her and decide, “No, I don’t want this. I don’t like this.”
The other fear was regarding the bio-mom and how she was going to react to you. Because it was important to me to make sure that it didn’t create chaos. I had already anticipated that she would be like, “Hey, she’s not mom, I’m mom.” I feared a disturbance in the force where we couldn’t come together and have that wonderful, comfortable life because there would be constant tension.
The Stepparent’s Top Priorities and Struggles
MARIA NATAPOV:
Just to add to what you pointed out: I think, for me, the experience was stepping into a serious caregiver role. I don’t think that it was completely clear whether I was a “stepmom” or “mom,” because in the reality of what the stepmom role is, there’s a lot of uncertainty and a lot of grey areas.
For me, my priority was: How do I add value and only do things to help and support without taking away from the parents that this child already has? How do I minimize turmoil, stress, or disconnect?
It required a lot of vigilance and trying my best to be responsive to what was happening. It also required a lot of transparency so there wasn’t any question as to what I was thinking, what I was doing, or why I was doing it. I had to invite feedback to do something differently or be more collaborative in making decisions with you, and to the best of my ability, with your former partner too. But, of course, that’s a tricky thing to navigate, because sometimes just taking the initiative can in and of itself cause tension.
JOHN SWAIN:
I believe that you accomplished those goals, which made it a lot healthier of an environment. Because if you didn’t, it’s not very conducive towards a united front. Everybody has to realize their role—even the child needs to know what their place is in the family. How scary is that for the person coming in? What’s their role going to be? How is it going to be defined? Ours was a merge that was a very comfy one.
A Bio-Parent’s Hierarchy of Priorities
MARIA NATAPOV:
If you could specifically speak to it, what were your top priorities?
JOHN SWAIN:
Here were my priorities in order:
- Number One: My daughter’s happiness.
- Number Two: Bio-mom feeling secure. (She wouldn’t believe it if she heard this, but if she doesn’t feel secure, it just throws off the whole thing).
- Number Three: Your comfort. Making sure you didn’t feel pressure, like “Hey, you’re a mom now, slap you in the face with that.” I wanted you to feel very comfortable coming in and not feel major pressure.
- Number Four: My own happiness. Once I realized it was going well, then I was just like, “Alright. Am I okay? I’m still alive, then I’m okay.”
Happiness is always my priority. How can we make sure that everybody feels emotionally taken care of so that they can feel content and calm?
The Hardest Part of the Stepfamily Dynamic
MARIA NATAPOV:
What was the hardest part of blending or the stepfamily dynamic?
JOHN SWAIN:
I would say the hardest part was bio-mom, because it felt like you couldn’t breathe improperly without it becoming an issue. If we took Lilah anywhere that bio-mom wanted to take her, or if she heard how you disciplined or talked to her, she would get so riled up. The thought was always going towards her replacement.
Nobody was trying to do that. We really wanted to be that strong team together. But it became the biggest struggle. It was a constant barrage of, “What are you doing over there? I just want to make sure she’s not trying to be mom, because I’m mom.” I couldn’t reach into her head and get her to understand that my intentions were valid and real. I think that sadness and fear eats away at us. That became my biggest struggle with everything.
The Bio-Parent’s Perspective on Discipline
MARIA NATAPOV:
Follow up question to that. You mentioned discipline, and full disclosure, discipline does come up pretty often. It can often be a point of contention, and certainly a very sensitive point for parents, especially when they’re not physically at that household.
In your honest opinion, do you feel that I ever overstepped with regard to disciplining or pushing an agenda?
JOHN SWAIN:
That’s a great question. My initial answer would be—yes. I felt like you did go too far in certain areas, or you were too much. But I also have to ask myself, “Well, did I misread that?” That’s a question you have to ask yourself as a parent: “Is everything really the way I see it?”
I know there were frustrating aspects for you. Even though we have this really sweet kid, there were times you’d find something to get angry about, and it’s like, “Oh, well, that’s unnecessary.” Those were probably our biggest struggles as a couple, because I know you want to raise her our way, but there’s another household involved.
I think as a parent, with a stepparent coming in, we will get a little defensive about that. “That’s my baby, back off. What’s your problem?” Looking back, I was lucky. The times we had were the times we had. We were lucky enough to have wonderful moments, times of bonding, and times of growing together as a unit. We are always going to have mistakes, but it’s about whether we dwell on those mistakes or learn from them.
A Bio-Parent’s Advice for Stepparents
MARIA NATAPOV:
What advice would you give stepparents to help make the transition easier?
JOHN SWAIN:
The best advice I could give stepparents is the same advice I’d give parents: You are literally all feeling the same stressors and fears at the same time.
There’s nothing happening that’s unique to you. A blended family is a blend for everyone. When you’re frustrated, let me tell you, they’re frustrated too. Everybody feels uncomfortable, awkward, angry, or shafted. Everybody feels like they’re the only ones struggling at certain times.
The best thing to keep telling yourself is, “We’re all taking a piece of this burden.” When you realize that, it helps you blend in a much healthier manner. You don’t feel so alone. You don’t feel like the intruder or the trespasser in a “perfect” family. Because it wasn’t perfect—which is exactly why you’re there. You have the possibility to be that key addition to make the machine run a little more smoothly.
MARIA NATAPOV:
If you could do it all over again, what would you do differently?
JOHN SWAIN:
I can’t think that I would want to change anything. I live my life in a manner where I can be happy and content, and I do feel that way right now.
It’s the butterfly effect: change one thing and everything spirals out of control. I absolutely adore my daughter the way she is. I love our relationship together—you and I—and the family that we’ve created. I wouldn’t risk changing one thing just so I can try to take away a painful memory. Every one of those accidents contributed to the life that we have today.
MARIA NATAPOV:
Awesome. Well, thank you so much for joining us for this episode and sharing your wisdom. Take care!
JOHN SWAIN:
You too.
MARIA NATAPOV:
Thanks so much for tuning in to this episode of the Synergistic Stepparenting Podcast. Be sure to give us a like and follow us on your favorite streaming app. Until next time, be well!
Related Episodes:
- Confessions of a Stepdaughter
- Abuse and my Stepparenting Story
- Your Stepchild’s Loyalty Conflict – Part 1: Background
- Interview with Dr. Patricia Papernow: Part 1
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