Hey stepparents!
Given the unpredictability of the times we’re living in, I hear many parents getting advice to create consistency and routines. Routines are highly recommended because they help reduce a child’s anxiety and help them adjust to blended family changes.
While this is true, I want to point out the other side of the coin: inflexibility.
Recently, I’ve been a part of several conversations about inflexibility. These conversations revolved around rigid rules about food, schedules, and other life events. Some parents think stepparenting consistency means doing the exact same thing regularly, every day or every week, without deviation.
But you actually want to encourage some deviation so that your stepchild learns to be flexible. You want them to know how to adjust to modifications and successfully deal with them. You want your stepchild to be flexible without throwing a tantrum, so that unforeseen changes don’t throw them completely off the rails.
If you think about it, you probably know adults who are inflexible. You might be familiar with how much havoc that wreaks on their world. Maybe you can even relate to this concept yourself!
The True Heart of Consistency in Stepparenting
The truth is, flexibility and consistency ultimately come down to love, connection, and support.
For kids, this means knowing that even if they do something wrong, it’s okay and it’s not going to be the end of the world. It means knowing that they won’t be abandoned. It means knowing that a change in plans doesn’t mean their parents don’t love them, won’t feed them, or won’t put a roof over their head.
Those deep fears are what is really operating at the heart of the matter. When a child’s routine is disrupted, those fears rock their world in a bad way.
But if there is a situation requiring flexibility, you can supportively and lovingly show up for your stepchild and hold them through that experience. (And I don’t mean literally hold; I just mean be there.) Be available to them. Be there to co-regulate with them, to hug them, to hold them as they cry, to tell them it’s going to be okay, and to breathe with them. You don’t necessarily have to be with them every single moment, but simply say, “Hey, I’m here if you need a hug or if you want to talk about it.”
The quality of your response has to be consistent. This is so important, you guys!
However, it’s good to have some degree of unpredictability in your schedule—whether planned or incidental—because it’s a great way to test and help your stepchild learn to adapt. Life, as we very well know, is not always predictable. It doesn’t always go according to your plans. Things happen, and you need to adjust, sometimes with a quick turnaround. You don’t always have the luxury of time to prepare yourself, get organized, and do all the things. You just need to be able to respond quickly.
Self-Regulation in Response to a Dysregulated Stepchild
In order to do that effectively, the best and most important thing to learn is how to stay regulated even when things don’t go according to plan, don’t go your way, or don’t happen the way you expected them to.
This is the biggest lesson. Maybe it’s an opportunity to learn the lesson as a family! You certainly want to model self-regulation while dealing with a stepchild who makes mistakes (because nobody’s perfect, and they are human).
One of the best things you can do is to remain grounded, loving, supportive, and calm. When you are not calm, you need to be able to use a self-regulating strategy—whatever that is for you—before re-engaging your stepchild. (For suggestions on how to self-regulate or find calm even during upsetting situations, please check out Episode 7 and Episode 11 on Stepparenting Sanity Routines).
All of that will serve both you and your stepchild. It will be instrumental in helping your stepchild adopt the skills they need to be successful even in unpredictable moments, which is a vital life skill.
5 Strategies for Stepchildren to Cope with Unexpected Changes
If your stepchild is struggling with a change in routine, here are five easy ways to help them regulate their emotions:
- Square Breathing: Breathe in for a count of 4. Hold for a count of 4. Breathe out for a count of 4. Hold for a count of 4.
- Visualizing a Happy Place: Have them take a break and think about something positive, whether it’s a happy memory or a favorite place they’ve been to. Thinking about positive things always helps shift a bad mood.
- Drawing: Have them draw their feelings.
- Music: Have them listen to their favorite calming or uplifting music.
- Journaling: Have them do a quick, 5-minute brain dump on a piece of paper.
I truly hope that this episode has been helpful, and that you share it with a stepparenting buddy, blended family friend, sports mom, or book club bestie who could benefit from it. I would so appreciate it! Until next time, be well.
Related Episodes:
- 7 Key Components of a Stepparenting Sanity Routine
- 3 Common Pitfalls Effecting Your Stepchild’s Behavior
- Hidden Patterns Preventing Stepparenting Connections
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