Hello, stepparents, and welcome! I am delighted to have you join me today because I had the special privilege of interviewing the fabulous Dr. Patricia Papernow, who is the world’s leading expert in stepparenting and blended family dynamics.
Today’s episode is Part 2 of my interview with her. I’m so excited to have you join me. Without further ado, here we go…
MARIA NATAPOV:
Hi, everybody. Thank you for joining us. We are here with the fantastic Dr. Patricia Papernow. Welcome, we’re so excited to have you!
Dr. Papernow is an internationally recognized expert on stepfamilies. She integrates a deep understanding of the research with four decades of clinical practice and a wide variety of clinical modalities including psycho-educational, systemic, and trauma-informed. The recipient of the Award for Distinguished Contribution to Family Psychology from the APA Couple and Family Division, Dr. Papernow is the author of one of the classic books in the field: Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships: What Works and What Doesn’t.
She is also the co-author (with Karen Bonnell) of The Stepfamily Handbook: From Dating, to Getting Serious, to Forming a Blended Family, as well as dozens of articles and book chapters. Dr. Papernow is a psychologist in private practice in Hudson, MA, and the director of the Institute for Stepfamily Education.
Clearly, without a doubt, you are an expert in this field, and it’s such a pleasure to get to pick your brain. I’d love to delve into some of the core challenges of blending a family. I would love for you to speak more to how to navigate successfully around the other parent who is not physically present, specifically with regard to the children. Could you speak a little bit to the critical things to absolutely not do?
How to Introduce a New Partner to Your Kids
DR. PATRICIA PAPERNOW:
Well, the first thing is that usually, adult couples have to slow it down. That’s hard to do when you’re in love. The Stepfamily Handbook does a really good job of laying it out step by step. If you can avoid all of a sudden announcing that this new person (and their kids) is moving in and you’re getting married, it really helps.
It’s too much for kids. Kids need to meet the person in a place like a community picnic where it’s not so intense and they can come and go. And kids need their parents to stay connected to them when a new partner is present. Now, that’s hard for the new partner if she or he doesn’t have kids. But kids are going to have a much easier time if they feel like their parent remains connected to them.
The other thing that I say to couples: keep the physical expression low. Enjoy each other behind closed doors. What adults often say is, “I want them to see a positive loving relationship.” Well, that’s lovely for you, but it doesn’t actually land that way for kids. That intensifies losses. It often intensifies their loyalty binds, and it’s too much change.
Take time, a step at a time. If you have an ex-spouse who is having a really hard time—who is bad-mouthing, saying to the kid “this is a terrible thing,” or falling apart—that child is going to be in a deeper loyalty bind and may need more time than a child whose other parent is fairly supportive.
Navigating a Stepchild’s Loyalty Bind
MARIA NATAPOV:
What kind of advice or concrete steps are critical for families in that situation? Certainly, it’s always best to keep the adult stuff separate from the children, considering this is really confusing for them and they don’t have the advanced skills to deal with it. What can the parent do to help the child recognize that, yes, things have changed, but they’re not losing the other parent?
DR. PATRICIA PAPERNOW:
The first thing is actually, rather than talking kids out of where they are, try getting to where they are. There can be a lot of feelings when a Mom or Dad finds a new partner.
If Mom is bad-mouthing you (the Dad or Stepmom), you can say to the kid, “I know it’s hard for Mom. I know she says some bad things sometimes. That must put you in a bind.” Help the child hold where she or he is. That’s called a loyalty bind. When one parent gets upset with the other parent, that’s hard for kids. Just say, “It’s hard for you.”
MARIA NATAPOV:
So what I’m hearing you say is helping them to name exactly what’s going on, having the empathy and language, and just holding space for them to feel their feelings. You have to tune in to where the child is at.
DR. PATRICIA PAPERNOW:
And you can make guesses. Just check them out. “You know what happens for a lot of kids when Mom or Dad finds a new partner? They feel kind of left alone, lonely. Is that right for you?” Or, “A lot of kids, if one parent finds a new partner, the other parent gets upset, and they feel torn. Is that right?”
Give kids a chance to say. Ask, “What’s the hardest thing about that? What’s the easiest? What are Mom and Dad doing that makes it harder? What can Mom do that makes it easier?” Give kids a voice. If kids don’t have answers, give them multiple choices to think about.
MARIA NATAPOV:
I love that approach. It invites and models for the child how they can start to think about this and what they can share, even if they don’t quite have the language for it yet.
The Golden Rule of Stepchild Discipline
DR. PATRICIA PAPERNOW:
I do need to say something about parenting, because it’s so important. The biggest mistake—the biggest “boo-boo”—is when the stepparent expects to step in and share the parenting and discipline. Family therapists who don’t know about stepfamilies often say to have a “united front” and that the parent should back up the stepparent.
Well, here’s the research: Parents need to retain the disciplinary role. Stepparents need to focus on connection, not correction.
Focus on relationship building, not rules. Until or unless children have a trusting, caring relationship with the stepparent, the biological parent needs to remain the disciplinarian. If children are eight and under, oftentimes stepparents can move very slowly into being more of a limit-setter. But older kids are often never really ready for the stepparent to step in. In perfectly healthy stepfamilies, the parent remains the disciplinarian, and the stepparent has input.
I can tell you that stepparents all over the world want more limits and boundaries with their stepchildren, and parents all over the world want more love and understanding for their kids. I have not met a step-couple that doesn’t have this division! I want all step-couples to know this is normal. It’s not that one of you is doing it wrong.
Authoritative vs. Authoritarian Parenting
DR. PATRICIA PAPERNOW (cont.):
What we know is the best parenting for children is called authoritative. This parenting is loving, it’s responsive, and it sets moderately firm limits that are appropriate and follows through.
That’s different than authoritarian, which is hard and firm and says, “I don’t care how you feel, do it.” And that’s different from permissive, which says, “Oh, honey, whatever you want.”
The easiest pull for stepparents is authoritarian parenting because stepkids can be irritating! They do things like leaving cocoa spread all over the kitchen. When I was a single parent, if my kid made cocoa and left a mess, it was fine with me because she did it herself. For my new partner, that could be very, very irritating. So stepparents easily get pulled into authoritarian parenting of stepkids—and that turns out to be toxic to the stepparent and stepchild relationship.
The parent has to remain the disciplinarian. Often the stepparent can help the parent firm up, but parents are very sensitive. So here come the skills again! You’re going to need a “soft startup,” stepparent. If you say, “You are being a wimp and your kid is lazy because he never cleans up,” I guarantee you you’re going to have a fight. Instead, you can say, “Gee, I know your kids are not used to cleaning up. I think your kid could start cleaning up after herself when she makes cocoa. What do you think?”
How to Get on the Same Page with Your Partner
MARIA NATAPOV:
Absolutely. Adults can have those conversations calmly and empathetically away from the children. You can explore what makes the most sense for the situation and arrive collaboratively at a solution.
DR. PATRICIA PAPERNOW:
And it does help to know that almost always, stepparents are going to want firmer discipline and parents are almost always going to want softer discipline. Good parenting is actually a combination of both. The first goal may not be to come to an immediate agreement, but to influence each other a little bit.
MARIA NATAPOV:
Exactly. It’s starting the conversation. What you’re alluding to is what I call “planting the seed.” You’re moving the needle forward a little bit at a time, because at least you’re bringing up the possibility of something else.
DR. PATRICIA PAPERNOW:
That’s a great idea. I haven’t thought about that. I’m going to borrow that! Change takes time. It’s a process, not an event.
MARIA NATAPOV:
Thank you so much for joining me for my interview with Dr. Papernow. You definitely want to make sure to tune in next week for Part 3 of our conversation. You don’t want to miss it. See you then!
(Want more? Listen to Part 1 and Part 3 of this interview for more of Dr. Papernow’s tips and insights!)
Relevant Links for this Show:
- Patricia Papernow
- Patricia Papernow LI
- Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships: What Works and What Doesn’t
- The Stepfamily Handbook: From Dating, to Getting Serious, to Forming a “Blended Family”
Related Episodes:
- Interview with Dr. Patricia Papernow: Part 1
- Interview with Dr. Patricia Papernow: Part 3
- Your Stepchild’s Loyalty Conflict – Part 2: Behavior
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