Hello Stepparents!
It can be challenging to stand by while someone is saying things that are blatantly negative about you—or things that can easily be perceived as such. It’s particularly painful when you learn of someone saying something negative about you to your stepchild.
This is especially true when the child is little, since young kids are more impressionable than older children who can discern more of the truth for themselves.
Trust me… I know this all too well and have had to overcome years of personal struggle with this very thing. I used to beat myself up and waste lots of energy and time trying to figure out how to get people to like me. But I realized that most of the issues didn’t have to do with me at all. Instead, they had a lot to do with how I showed up in that relationship and in those interactions.
Don’t Lose Yourself to a Toxic Co-Parenting Dynamic
When you encounter things like negativity—whether it’s rudeness, someone bad-mouthing you, or a difficult bio-parent being downright toxic—most of the time, it’s not personal. This can be tough to keep in mind because it feels so personal when you’re being attacked.
Remember, someone’s behavior towards you reflects who they are, not who you are. Their actions say something about them. It has nothing to do with you and doesn’t MEAN anything about you.
Instead, I’d like to invite you to show up as your authentic self. There is a beautiful opportunity to recognize that you have a choice you get to make. You don’t have to let someone change who you are or dictate your behavior.
Don’t let them drag you down to their level by stooping to the same antics. Doing that would be giving away your power. You would be letting someone else call the shots in your life and determine the outcomes. Plus, you would only be giving them ammo, because now they would have tangible bones to pick with you.
An Effective Approach for Stepparents in Challenging Dynamics
To establish healthy stepparenting boundaries, instead of looking at the relationship like it’s an intimate or personal one, look at it like a business or professional relationship. This perspective accomplishes two very important things:
1. It helps you respond strategically.
Because you’re looking at the situation and correspondence through a professional or business lens, you remove some of the emotion, which helps you see things strategically.
Think of it as if you’re dealing with a client or a work colleague—albeit maybe a difficult one! How would you respond to them? You would probably carefully consider your response. You might say something to defuse any anger, and only address what absolutely needs to be addressed in the most neutral manner possible. Or, you might decide that it doesn’t really need a response at all, and just an acknowledgment that you received the message is sufficient.
2. You’ll get the peace of mind of a clear conscience.
Additionally, in a business or professional relationship, you would probably be more likely to own any errors or missteps on your part.
In an intimate relationship, it’s easy to feel like if you admit any fault or take any responsibility, it’s as if you’re giving something up. Or like you’re letting them get away with something—like maybe you’re letting them “win.” But the truth is, it’s not like that.
By holding onto bad energy and letting it fester, it’s only hurting you, taking a massive physical and emotional toll. It creates more discomfort every time you see or are reminded of that person. You don’t have to live in that kind of prison.
By looking at the situation and conversation from a business relationship point of view, you’ll be able to own your part, thereby releasing any feelings of guilt. You’ll be able to bounce back and move on with a clear conscience.
Need Help Finding Your Peace?
If you find yourself struggling with resentment, guilt, shame, anger, or any other disturbing emotions, go ahead and book a Rapid Resolution Therapy® Session with me.
I’d love to help you get clear and move forward with ease and joy in all of your stepparenting relationships! And I know it’s possible for you.
Until next time, be well!
Related Episodes:
- How to Stay Sane in Stepparenting
- How to Have Difficult Stepparenting Conversations
- 7 Key Components of a Stepparenting Sanity Routine
Enjoying the show? Here is how to leave a review on Apple Podcasts:
- Open the Podcasts app on your iPhone, iPad, or Mac.
- Navigate to the Synergistic Stepparenting Podcast.
- On the show page, scroll down to find the subhead titled “Ratings & Reviews.”
- Under one of the highlighted reviews, select “Write a Review.”
If you like what you hear, please give us a 5-star rating! Let us and others know what you love about the show.