Ep 15: Your Stepchild’s Loyalty Conflict (Part 1: Background)

Hello Stepparents! In Episode 6, I briefly mentioned that your stepchild is conflicted when it comes to you and their loyalties to you. Today, we’re going to dig deeper and explore that stepchild loyalty conflict.

Creating a biological family is fundamentally different from creating a blended family. In a biological family, there is time for the partners to get on the same page before the child even enters the equation. Every family has their rhythm—their own way of talking, their own beliefs, and their own way of doing things.

Your stepchild has had their whole life (even including the time they were developing in the womb) to build a connection with their biological parents.

Why Your Stepchild is Fighting Biology to Accept You

As human beings, we are physiologically wired for the need and connection to our biological parents. Since in the early stages of life we are completely dependent on these adults to keep us alive, this bond is vital for survival.

Thanks to Dr. Bruce Lipton, we know that from ages 0 to 7 years old, we are in a sort of low-grade hypnosis called theta. Theta is a lower vibrational frequency than our conscious mind. While in theta, our brains are like sponges… indiscriminately soaking up everything we come across. So, it’s easy to see how the people they spent the most time with—usually their parents—have had the biggest impact on their beliefs and behaviors.

Stepparenting, on the other hand, looks very different. As a stepparent, you are often coming into a stressful situation fraught with turmoil over the breaking up of the bio-family. The accompanying grief and mourning are, at best, still lingering (especially for the child). Coping with the loss of having everyday access to both of their biological parents can be overwhelming, difficult, and extremely painful.

The reason this loss is more painful for the child is that, since birth, they didn’t know another way for a family to be or behave. This is true even in situations where there might have been abuse or neglect. It might be easy for an adult to assume that the child is better off not seeing that parent, or at least having more distance from them some of the time. But your stepchild doesn’t feel that way.

Your stepchild only knows that that person is Mom or Dad. They are biologically wired to want a connection to that parent, and to be valued and loved by them.

What’s Going on for Your Stepchild When You Enter the Picture?

From the get-go as the stepparent, you feel an obligation to meet, get to know, and learn to get along with several family members very quickly—especially your partner’s child.

But their child just wants easy and regular access to both of their parents. There is already so much changing for them in their everyday lives. Let’s remember that a lot happens in a short amount of time for kids where physical and emotional growth and development are concerned.

Not to mention the major adjustment of “life as you know it” changing. In a co-parenting dynamic, the child often splits time between both parents’ homes. That means:

• They have a new place to live and adjust to.
• They don’t have all their stuff in one place.
• There are new rules to learn, since expectations are often different in different households.
• There are entirely new daily routines and a new flow at each home base.

Now, they see a new person come into the house, and it feels to them like this new person is replacing their biological parent.

This feeling might not even be a conscious awareness, but it is usually present on some level. Your presence might simply open the old wound of the fact that they used to live with both of their biological parents, and they desperately want that scenario back again.

That’s a lot for any adult to adjust to. Now throw in a lack of life experience, a lack of self-awareness, a lack of ability to regulate their emotional state, and all of the internal developmental changes they are experiencing. This only adds more weight to an already heavy load.

Enter a perceived stranger who is trying to take the place of Mommy or Daddy and is going to be telling them what to do. Well, that’s just a recipe for an emotional tornado that’s ready to blow down everything in its path!

Tips to Get Out of the Stepparenting Crossfire

First of all, all behavior is communication. It can be hard to remember this in the heat of the moment. Believe me, I know!

But when your stepchild is saying some choice words to you, giving you the cold shoulder, or throwing you “tude”—please remember it’s not personal. There is a lot on their plate, and they are going through IT ALL. (And let’s not forget school and puberty, if that is playing a role in the matter. Remember how hard those years were for you?)

So, the next time you’re met with an unpleasant exchange, try the following:

1. Breathe through it: Take some deep breaths—in for 3 seconds and out for 5 seconds—for 90 seconds. That’s exactly how long it takes your central nervous system to reset and start to calm down.
2. Find your calm voice: Reach deep inside to connect with your most soothing tone and volume. Channel your inner meditation guru.
3. Practice empathy: Think about what would feel good to hear if you had all of that on your plate. Or, at the very least, think about what won’t make the situation feel worse.

If things don’t go smoothly, that’s okay. Give yourself grace. Remember you’re learning a new skill, and building that muscle will take some time. Celebrate that you put one foot in front of the other and gave it a go. The more you do this, the better at it you’ll get, and the easier it will become.

In the meantime, if you want some additional tips to create harmonious co-parenting in your blended family, download your copy of 4 Steps to Start Transforming Family Chaos into Harmonious Co-Parenting today.

Until next time, be well!

Related Episodes:

• Your Stepchild’s Loyalty Conflict – Part 2: Behavior
• #1 Cause of Disconnect in Your Stepparenting
• Get Out of the Stepparenting Autopilot Grind

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