Hey Stepparents! Today we’re exploring intentional living.
For a large chunk of my life, I functioned on autopilot. If right now you’re thinking, “What!?!” I’ll explain.
You might have had the experience where you drive somewhere, but you don’t actually remember the drive. Seemingly in the blink of an eye, you’re at your destination. That used to happen to me a lot, and in many areas of my life. Every day had the same stale rhythm, and it felt lackluster. I noticed that I was becoming resentful, irritated with all the to-dos that held my days hostage.
Something had to give. This had to stop! But how?
I realized I had to get out of the routine of just responding to everyday needs and instead, be intentional with my time and responsibilities.
Sure, there were things that were non-negotiable some of the time… but not all of the time. If I planned my time right, I could do more of the things that light me up—things that feed my soul and build back my energy. Sometimes I found myself doing things that I didn’t even need to do anymore because their function was obsolete.
For example, there were chores that I was struggling to keep up with, when I could have easily asked for help or created a rotating schedule for members of the blended family to pitch in and complete.
So, instead of the autopilot dance, I’d like to invite you to live intentionally.
What is Intentional Living in a Blended Family?
Intentional living is developing habits to be mindful of what is really happening and what is needed to respond to it right now, instead of reacting in a rote way.
Sometimes this can look like not addressing something at the moment and waiting until later. But the consideration has to be given, and a plan for action has to be set up on the spot. Don’t do things just for the sake of doing them. Instead, do things that are supportive to everyone involved.
Here are the steps on how to do just that to avoid stepparenting burnout:
1. Recognize There is a Choice
The thing I learned after years of resentment and exhaustion—and the thing that I’d like you to know—is that you don’t have to function on autopilot. The way things are is not the only way they have to be.
You actually GET to choose which things you want to hold onto and which you might want to trade in. That is living intentionally. This applies to tasks you complete, commitments you make, and activities you engage in. You get to have a choice over whether you do the thing, but also when and how.
(For the next steps, let’s use a common stepparenting example: dropping your stepchild off for their co-parenting handoff with your partner’s ex).
2. Tune In to What is Needed
The way I work with my clients to do this is to observe what needs to be done. Make a list. Then, create a pros and cons list of doing the task yourself vs. someone else doing it.
In our example, the need is that the child must be in the same location as your partner’s ex for the handoff. This need can be met in a number of different ways: The other parent can come to where the child is and pick them up, you can drop the child off, you can meet at a halfway point, or you can meet at another mutually convenient location.
3. Evaluate the Options
Review your lists and look at how your blended family routine is currently working.
- Is the child able to see their other parent in accordance with what is best for them and what satisfies the custody agreements?
- What is the best way to accomplish the handoff so that it requires the least energy and time, and is emotionally safest for the child?
4. Choose the Best Solution
Look for a solution that accomplishes the best result based on the questions above (or the answer may be obvious by now!).
Maybe the best solution is that the other parent comes and picks the child up from school on a certain day of the week, or maybe you drop the child off on your way home from work because it’s not far from the other parent’s work or house.
When you put the focus back on your stepchild and their well-being, usually a lot of other minor details that cloud your judgment fall away, making the best solution clear.
Give this a try and drop me a line letting me know how it works out. Until next time, be well!
Related Episodes:
- How To Stay Sane In Stepparenting
- How To Have Difficult Stepparenting Conversations
- #1 Cause of Disconnect in Your Stepparenting
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