Ep 34 – Confessions Of A Stepdaughter – Broken Silence: Part 2

Subscribe on iTunes  ·  Spotify  ·  iHeartRadio

Hi Stepparents! 

Welcome to the show, I’m your host Maria Natapov, Stepparenting Coach and Strategist. I am very excited to bring you this special episode that is near and dear to my heart. 

This week we conclude the conversation with Lilah as she shares more of her story, what that was like for her, how she learned to heal and what that has looked like and continues to look like.

In spite of some unpleasant details, I’m so excited to share this interview crammed with robust soundbites with you all – and despite her tender age, she has many. 

So, let’s dive in …

MARIA NATAPOV:
I would love to ask you were there anything? I mean, obviously you were a kid going through all of this awful stuff. What did you notice was helpful or really unhelpful? Your father and I being the primary adults in your life during that time being your primary day to day supports and responsible for noticing and trying our best to to help you navigate all of this.

Helpful Things Stepparents Can Do to Assist Their Stepchild’s Healing

Be brutally honest … what were things that were just not helpful? And what were things that weren’t helpful? Or what were things that we maybe arrived to together and learned about together that ended up being helpful?

MY STEPDAUGHTER:
I think that what really wasn’t helpful was like saying “eat.” And one thing that really was helpful was helping me learn what I’m missing. Because with school, I struggled a lot when it came to actually learning and passing in work and doing work. So you guys took the time to actually help me learn the things that I missed.

And that really helped me a lot because I’m catching up on things, even learning more things I didn’t really need to learn yet but I still learned, that helped me a lot.

MARIA NATAPOV:
Do you mean specifically with the actual schoolwork or ways to learn or structural fundamentals?

MY STEPDAUGHTER:
Both. Because you guys taught me how to learn in a new way, but also you taught me school things – math and English and social studies. More math and English. It helped me out a lot. Learning all these new strategies, you helped me learn different ways to help me calm down.

One thing that really wasn’t helpful was having a TV and a bathroom, in your room at age 12, when you’re already not doing so well and can’t really sleep. Do not, DO NOT give your kid a TV if they already can’t sleep. Already electronics keep your mind awake. And having a TV in there … mine was a tiny TV but still had a big effect on me. I had one of those Roku TVs, so it had like almost everything on it. So I could find literally anything, watch it.

If somebody came in, shut off the TV, I turned it back on. It wasn’t like I’m addicted to a TV. But because I couldn’t sleep, obviously it seemed like I was addicted because I wouldn’t sleep. So it became really hard. And one thing that was really helpful was when I moved in with you and dad I didn’t have the distraction of a TV. I didn’t have electronics in my room really except for like little DS, but that was it. And it actually made me get a lot more sleep. So it felt very good.

MARIA NATAPOV:
That’s awesome. Was that immediate? Or did it take an adjustment for you to adjust to not having the TV? Because I would imagine throughout those difficult years it served as almost like a best friend. Yes, it’s a distraction, but I would imagine that it was kind of like the old faithful friend that you could rely on in a sense to keep you company. I don’t know you tell me what was it like?

MY STEPDAUGHTER:
It was immediate. Like, one thing that happened though when I moved in was I was very paranoid. I didn’t even need a TV sleep, I was used to sleeping with like a nightlight on. Sleeping in the darkness – no go for me in the beginning. I always thought too like when a car door shut that they were coming to get me – that my birth-mom and her husband were coming to get me and I used to freak out a lot.

But sleeping without a TV was pretty much fine. It was it was kind of like second nature that point. Some nights I wouldn’t. Towards the end just like wouldn’t. But a lot of the time … like say you picked me up and took me out two years before that point, I would have been very much not able to sleep at all if I did not have a TV in my room. So over time I learned that I didn’t need a TV. I still had it. My room was like its own little house.

Like it felt like that at my birth-mom’s house because I had like food, I had water, I had a couch, I the TV, an X-box, I had a bathroom, and a cat. So it was kind of just like, I’d never leave. I didn’t want to go out. I didn’t want to see anybody. So, it was kind of just like my little dome of, I don’t know, like me, I guess. So after I moved out, I kind of created that dome for myself here. Except, like, I knew that I couldn’t have a lot of the things that I had before it because it would just lead to bad things.

MARIA NATAPOV:
What kinds of things as you mentioned that, did you learn that it was better to do without? Literally what you just mentioned, can you elaborate a little bit more?

MY STEPDAUGHTER:
Couch, X-box, TV. Scandalous clothes – that was a main one because I didn’t know how to dress. And I thought that was the only way to dress when I was younger. Crap ton of makeup. BB cream is one.

MARIA NATAPOV:
What’s that?

MY STEPDAUGHTER:
BB cream is like a foundation. Except this one was like two shades lighter than my actual skin.

MARIA NATAPOV:
I’m getting a visual.

MY STEPDAUGHTER:
Yes. A bunch of movies in my room, that was a big thing. So I’d constantly watch movies all the time. Not a bunch of water bottles in my room. That’s another thing that I’ve learned to live without. A cat. Just like everything else, but a bed and a closet.

Bad Habits My Stepdaughter Steers Clear Of

MARIA NATAPOV:
And as you say that those things you realized lead to bad things. Can you talk a little bit more? Is it because it was constant access? Is it because it was too cluttered?

MY STEPDAUGHTER:
Both. Water bottles everywhere. Because what would end up happening was, I would shove them under my bed with like my cat and like clothes and books. Randomly there just be like snacks in my room. Bathroom was just flooded with makeup. And there was paint everywhere and everything was dirty. It was bad. And like, so I’m not a dirty person, it might seem like I am a dirty person, I’m not a dirty person. I am actually disgusted when the bathroom is dirty. So the fact that I had let it get that way was disgusting to me.

MARIA NATAPOV:
To be fair, though, you were a young kid, and there was definitely a lot you were going through at the time.

MY STEPDAUGHTER:
Yeah, there was. A lot of the time like, I would just get into these moments where it’s just like, “I have to clean. I have to do these things”. And it kind of felt like a release a little bit. Because one thing that I used to do when I was really young, I’d used the bathroom over and over again. And it all just like … I wouldn’t like do anything with it, it would just be there.

And when I woke up I’d just be confused because it would just be like … it looked like somebody used my toilet like 12 times. Because I just like kept on going to the bathroom over and over again. It would be like 13 times a night I would go to the bathroom. And because I never slept it would just be a constant thing.

There’d be a TV on, like all of my lights would be on, like my bathroom light would be on, the clock light would be on, my little nightlight above my bed would be on. And like there’d be people fighting around and like all these different things. So it was like anxiety overload all the time.

MARIA NATAPOV:
Yeah. I mean I’m already stressed. Just hearing you describe that is overwhelming. And I’m an adult who’s fairly grounded in my day-to-day life. That’s a lot. That was so helpful to hear your take on that and get into some of the specifics of what was distracting. And it makes perfect sense that obviously eliminating that would be helpful.

What did you find to be the hardest thing as you look back on everything? And clearly there’s a lot to look back on? Is there anything specific or couple of specific things that feel particularly challenging that you think of?

My Stepdaughter’s Hardest and Most Painful Thing

MY STEPDAUGHTER:
Not talking was the hardest part of this whole entire thing. I’m a very talkative person if I want to be. I’m not very talkative with new people. But I am a very talkative person. Not being able to talk about everything that I was going through and all the pain that I was going through, really hurt because I knew that the people that I cared about the most that cared about me the most, didn’t know what’s going on.

But physically, they would see me break down. Like, they’d see me just shrivel over time. I know you saw it because a lot of the time we talk about that. It took a bigger toll on me because like I’m watching myself crumble into like this pile of nothing over time. And just like a shell of a girl. The shell of a girl was brutally, like shattered all over. Like when you look at an old China doll and she’s just like breaking – pieces of her face are broken off like different things. It was like that.

I would look at myself and just feel gross. Everything was hurting. And not being able to talk to the people that I’d trusted the most and if I did talk to them not being able to trust them anymore because they wouldn’t do anything – just tortured me. I didn’t know what to do. I really didn’t. Because at that point after that I didn’t feel like I could trust anybody with this information anymore.

MARIA NATAPOV:
It makes perfect sense that that will be the natural conclusion that you would draw at that point. So how did you navigate that? It sounds like you’re completely isolated. As you said, you lost faith and the people that you felt that you were the closest to that you felt that you were supposed to be trusting the most. What next?

How My Stepdaughter Moved Forward Towards Healing

MY STEPDAUGHTER:
I thought that everything was over for me. I felt extremely suicidal. It just was torture. I ended up going into a mental hospital for a little while, to an inpatient program and pressure programs. To try to get myself back into things. After that, everything got easier.

But if that didn’t happen, I would have been really bad. Every single day, it was just full of anxiety and fear. So it took me a long time. And I’m STILL trying to figure a lot of things out. It seems like I got a lot of it down, but, let me tell you right now, it’s … it’s a lot. It’s really a lot to comprehend and to really figure it out. Because there’s so many different depths to go into – emotionally, physically, sexually, verbally, like all of these different things that you have to go into.

And a lot of people don’t think about that. They really don’t. But that’s what you have to do to really understand it all. Like I, if I look back on things, I can physically and mentally feel it. But I always talk about things from a bird’s eye view. So emotionally, it gets harder. But one thing that I realized, as talking about it, and it goes on, it gets a lot better and a lot easier. So I’m still navigating it as it goes. And as I’m living life and having different experiences.

MARIA NATAPOV:
So it sounds like – just to recap – that as you mentioned, going into the inpatient and partial program that even though you were removed from that physical environment, it didn’t get easier. Some things got a little bit better. But that still there was a lot. Did it feel like almost it got harder after that?

MY STEPDAUGHTER:
Yeah, it felt like everything was still going on. Because everything was still going on, really. All of these feelings didn’t go away. Because I knew that deep inside it wasn’t done with. Nothing was done with.

Why Things Got Harder After My Stepdaughter Left the Abusive Household

MARIA NATAPOV:
Yeah, if I may, often, when people go through something like this so extensively for such a long time, living in fear, living in what feels like a hostile environment on all levels, or really on any level, there’s almost a point where you’re in survival mode. Certain features shut off just for the sake of being able to move through it and to go on. It’s like the organism is trying to preserve itself.

So some of it is not being completely processed at that time, because it’s like, “we just have to survive.” But when it’s for an extended period of time, it takes a huge toll. And then when the person is removed from that immediate threatening situation, there’s almost what’s called a honeymoon period of that short moment of relief. But then, as you said, there’s the fear of “but what if it’s just temporary,” or “it’s just a temporary vacation,” and “they’re going to come back” or “I’m going to have to be forced to go back there again,” or whatever. Those are common things that occur.

Eventually, when it’s long enough, and the brain recognizes, “okay, this is a permanent change,” it almost then starts to process. And some people describe that at that moment, it’s actually even more painful, because suddenly all the things that somebody wasn’t dealing with, because it was just too much. Like this idea of dissociation. When somebody’s going through an extremely traumatic, extremely painful event, the mind will dissociate. Meaning, they’re physically there, but they’re almost somewhere else mentally.

And a level of that is happening when somebody is in a very hostile environment with a lot of stress and a lot of physical or emotional threat. And then when they’re finally out of that environment, when it’s been long enough, suddenly it feels like they’re starting to process that is starting to thaw out and more memories are returning and the feelings are able to be felt possibly at a deeper level and it all happens slowly and it unfolds. Does that resonate with your experience? Is that what it was like for you? Or was it different?

MY STEPDAUGHTER:
I agree with what you’re saying. Because after I got out, it just like, everything was still there, and I really thought everything was going away. But it just wasn’t. I dissociated a lot to see the pain go away. So after I got out, it was like everything had just punched me in the face and soul, and just … it was just the worst.

MARIA NATAPOV:
And it sounds like when you went to those programs that it helped?

MY STEPDAUGHTER:
It helped but not completely. I feel like there’s a lot of unresolved things after I got out. Which, honestly, those unresolved things I’m trying to figure out for myself. But an awful lot.

My Stepdaughter’s Breakthrough Point in Feeling Safe?

MARIA NATAPOV:
What would you say was the turning point or the breakthrough? And maybe there’s kind of several moments you remember, or maybe there’s just one that comes to mind. And I know sometimes those breakthrough moments can be very seemingly small, but like retrospectively, you realize they actually were the huge things or lead to huge things. Can you talk a little bit about that in your experience?

MY STEPDAUGHTER:
Moving into the house that we’re in right now. This beautiful home of ours. I realized we had a stable family. And that we weren’t just with each other because it looks good. We’re not doing it because it’ss appeal to the people. We’re doing it because we actually cared about each other. And that was my turning point. For me, because I was around people that really just cared about the look. And how other people were going to react.

MARIA NATAPOV:
And do you say that because our house looks almost decrepit from the outside? Because the paint is peeling so badly?

MY STEPDAUGHTER:
Well. No. I say that because, like, yes, our house does not look that good from the outside. But our house is built with love and passion. We care for each other not only like a family, but like we’re best friends. And we care for our mental well-being each other’s mental well-being. Just being here made me realize that I am in a place that I can really trust and that I can be myself and it made me feel a lot better. Plus, you didn’t yell at me when I came out. So that made me feel a lot more comfortable.

MARIA NATAPOV:
It was like a glimmer of hope – is that it?

MY STEPDAUGHTER:
Yes, it was a major glimmer of hope compared to how everybody else acted.

MARIA NATAPOV:
That’s beautiful. So where are you at with things now? You mentioned that it’s still a journey. Talk a little bit about how it is for you now what what is the day to day look like? What does that feel like? And what things do you notice? Or look for? What things do you maybe make it a point to do for yourself now because you just know that there are good things to do.

MY STEPDAUGHTER:
I make it a point to do yoga every day, or pretty much every day, because sometimes I don’t do it on the weekends. But I pretty much make sure that I do yoga, and work out almost every day. Because it’s just a physical release of energy, whether it’s toxic or non-toxic, doesn’t really matter. It’s just a release. I’m trying to make sure that I’m eating three meals a day, not skipping out. Because I’m just trying to get my eating under control and not feel like I am eating too little or eating too much.

Making sure that I am getting my physical activity like tennis or basketball or running. And seeing friends. Seeing friends and going outside is my biggest one. I’ve been seeing my friends all the time outside of school. And we’ve been just going and walking around and drinking tea. Doing all these things that I never thought I would do.

I had a conversation with my friend today and I’m just like, “hey, I’m going out.” And she sayd, “You’re going outside?” And I said “Yes.” And she’s like, “That’s weird.” Because I’m just starting to go outside. Because usually I would just sit inside and dance around my room to loud music and laugh stuff. So just making sure that I take that time to go outside of the outside, whether that’s playing tennis, or just walking home. Just taking that time for myself.

MARIA NATAPOV:
That’s awesome. This has been so incredibly valuable. And I’m so impressed with you. Just so appreciate that you are willing to answer openly all of these questions and really share that these things are a journey, and that no matter how dark things might seem at any given moment, that that’s just that moment and that it can change, and that it’s possible to move on and find ways and resources and people and different ways to approach things that feel a lot better. And that lead to much better results. I mean, that’s what I’m taking away from everything you just shared. Please anything you have to add would be phenomenal.

My Stepdaughter’s Words of Advice About Regret

MY STEPDAUGHTER:
I’d say one last thing that I have to add is, don’t dwell on the past. Do not do that. Looking back on yourself and beating yourself up for how you used to act and how you used to be is not right. Because you looking back on it today, you’re in a different place than how you were before. You didn’t know the things that you know two years, three years ago, maybe even four. You have no idea. You’ve had no idea.

You didn’t know how things were going to turn out. So you can’t beat yourself up for knowing something that you wouldn’t have known. Don’t dwell on things that you wouldn’t have known about and now you do. Don’t do that. You’re just torturing yourself more. You’re making it harder to grow. And you’re keeping yourself back.

MARIA NATAPOV:
Wow, that is so incredible. I love that you just said that. That is so beautiful. I mean, that is a wonderful place to end. Thank you so much Lilah, you are truly an inspiration. And I just so again, appreciate how open you are willing to be about these conversations that are so important and unfortunately touch a lot more of us than we often realize.

For all of the listeners out there, please remember that there are things you can do and places you can turn to and people you can turn to for help. If you are struggling with anything like this, please reach out to me at Maria@nullSynergisticStepparenting.com. I’m happy to share resources and point you in the right direction for whatever your needs might be. If you are also going through anything similar or notice that your child or stepchild is going through anything similar, or if you realize that this is something that you have struggled with, even as an adult. Again, there are definitely resources and places you can turn to for help.

And we are going to continue this conversation, we are actually soon going to have Dr. Dara Bushman on the show who is an eating disorder specialist. She’s going to talk about this issue from a clinical perspective and from her expertise of her extensive clinical knowledge and clinical experience. So stay tuned. Thank you so much.

Thank you so much, Lila, again, for coming on to talk about this. And for really being willing to open up that’s really the key, I think is just the connection and being willing to have the conversations that feel uncomfortable or that we have felt just like you said that we need to silence for whatever reason which is not true. And actually, it’s the silence, as you’ve noted, that often leads to even more pain that is totally avoidable.

So let’s go ahead and break the silence. We’d love to hear your stories. If you can relate to this, please go ahead and email us if you’re a step parent or if you’re a stepchild. I’d love to hear from you. Thank you so much, and tune in next week.

Related Episodes:

Confessions of a Stepdaughter – Broken Silence: Part 1

Confessions of a Stepdaughter

7 Key Components of a Stepparenting Sanity Routine 

*Notes: How to leave a review on Apple Podcasts

  1. Open the Podcasts app on your iPhone, iPad, or Mac.
  2. Navigate to the Synergistic Stepparenting Podcast.
  3. On Synergistic Stepparenting Podcast page, scroll down to find the subhead titled “Ratings & Reviews.”
  4. Under one of the highlighted reviews, select “Write a Review.” If you like what you hear – give us a 5-star rating! And let us and others know what you like about the show.